Obedience

Something was revealed to me today as I was praying. I am not too proud of it, but confessing it here seems appropriate. I block my daily urge to write and journal by staying busy. I keep busy with work, family and otherwise looking for things to busy myself with. That sounds silly, I know – but I keep myself so frantic that it helps me avoid the one thing that I know my Heavenly Father wants me to do.

Writing helps me discover the real me, the girl/woman I am on the inside. For the most part, although I want healing, I do not want to fully discover the innermost part of me that hurts and is fragile.  This is why it has been buried for years. I am afraid of the anger and tears that sometimes comes to the surface, so I stamp it back down and hide it under a never ending list of chores.

God wants me to write about my feelings. I know this like I know my own name. But do I do it? No, not until it becomes such a burning desire that I cannot escape it.  When I cannot avoid it any longer, I sit down at my laptop and words come spilling out all over the page. This is followed by my getting frustrated over making sense of it.  Until I do, I can’t think of anything else - unless I find something else to keep myself busy. I know this is the wrong way to go about it.   

This stalling happened today - I started writing about relationships. Suddenly, right when I was getting to the heart of something sensitive, I found it more important to busy myself with repairing a sprinkler system. Afterward, I felt convicted. I was disobedient, and that led to prayer mentioned above. While praying, I asked for forgiveness and questioned my ability to write. I had a fictional story planned for NaNoWriMo, I have been unable to focus on writing it. I am 3000 words in and at a dead end. I prayed for comfort as I work through these insecurities.  

I am glad I responded and prayed. I need to be obedient and write what He is urging me to write, and go to my Lord with the hurt that I uncover. In the process, I may discover the innermost me is not so bad after all. 

 

Moved and Settled!

I take that last part back, I am not completely settled, but I have moved.I now have a home office in which to write! My books are on the shelves, and my craft goodies are in the closet.  Just a few more finishing touches and I will be ready to write....right?  NO! No more procrastination. It seems like there is always something else to do. One more thing to tidy up, paint, unpack. One reason after another that I do not pick up where I left off so many times.
The one thing I desparately want to do is write - yet my heart protects me from failure (or is it success) by keeping me "busy" with other things.

As I sit here on my back porch (silly thing is, I am not using that home office I felt I needed) and I am writing.

 Please pray for me. I will write, I must write. I am writing.

Everyday frustrations aren't so bad, or are they?

Recently, I was feeling kind of blah, having a downright bad day for no particular reason. To top it off,  I had to drive five hours in terrible weather. And, if that wasn't bad enough, a fly got into my car and wouldn't leave. He buzzed around my head, an annoying travel companion. Sigh, I was in a bad mood. I have to admit that it was good that I was alone. I would not have been pleasant company.

I was driving along, scanning the radio stations looking for something lively to boost my spirits.  Perhaps a little rock and roll, some oldies, or even some of that modern stuff my teenager likes to listen too would do the trick. I couldn't get anything except Christian radio stations to tune in. I was frustrated and kept hitting the scan button. I finally settled on a station with an upbeat Christian song playing and started to feel a little better. The song was "My Redeemer Lives." I even started belting out the words. Then, wham, negativity struck again. After that song, the program changed to a pastor giving a message on the life of Job. Do you see where I am going with this? I was upset but did not touch the dial.  I continued listening to the story I have heard many times before. But at that moment, it was like new again.

If you are going through a rough patch, I highly recommend reading the book of Job in your bible. It just may put some things into perspective. It did for me. The rest of my drive was spent in silent reflection of all the good things God has given me. I was focusing on all that had been taken away, not realizing that it was all gifted to me by Him in the first place.

Thank you God for getting my attention back where it needed to be.

Writing update

I am so happy to post that I have been working regularly to put together a rough draft for a novel I outlined last month! It is a story about estranged sisters who have a common bond, a baby. Please keep me in your prayers. I have started so many writing projects, and I have limited time in the day to write. Writing is my passion, and I know that if it is God's will, time will be found to complete this project. I grab at minutes in the day, I have the story on a thumb drive that I keep with me so I can work on it when moments free up. This will be a first for me, as was blogging.

Please pray for me as I continue to reach for my dream of becoming a published author.

Thank you,

Tammyarlene

Everyday miracles

Timing is everything - especially when it is in God's time. I can look at many instances in my past and see His hand. So many times I have worried over things that seemed insurmountable in the moment, and then WHAM, out of the blue a solution appears. This is not a coincidence. This is God at work. Let's start giving Him credit where it is due!  Amen.

Yesterday was a perfect example. I was having a rough day, I was under attack. My day was wrought with negative emotions to include sadness, discouragement, defeat and lethargy. My faith was being tested. I lost an immediate family member the day before to cancer, and last month I lost my father. The enemy was using that fracture in my armor to wreak havoc on me.

I had some down time at my day job and as I do on many occasions, I picked up my iPad to read. The book I was led to read was the Bible. I was desperately seeking encouragement. I prayed quietly. I began reading in Matthew about worry. Within minutes, a wonderful woman walked in. She was practically glowing with her love for the Lord. I knew immediately she was a believer! God did this for me. We shared for a few minutes, exchanged contact information and I was truly blessed. I made a new friend and I was uplifted for the rest of the day. 

This was not a coincidence. This was God working right when I needed Him most. He knows what we are going through and exactly what we need every moment of every day. Now, I am not sure if my new friend knew she was being used by Him to change my outlook, but I sure know she was. Things don't just line up that way.

I've been called "lucky" because I have experienced success at my day job. But, I put it out there that I am not "lucky" nor do I have the "magic bullet," rather, I have Jesus as my Savior.  No magic, no luck, no smoke and mirrors. Just plain ordinary faith. Faith that does get tested at times, but everytime I come out stronger. Praise God!

Have you experienced times like this? I am calling these moments everyday miracles and I'd love to hear about them.

God Bless Everyone!

Why? I often ask this question – not to receive an answer from God, but to express frustration.

  

God has been incredibly good to me. I am not saying that my life has been perfect. I have gone through a few rough patches, and am struggling with one now involving deaths in the family. I find myself asking God the question, “Why? “Why me? Why now?” It is easy for me to forget about the blessings and even easier to direct focus on whatever negativity the evil one slings my way when times get tough. Emotional turmoil is usually the culprit. At this very moment, I have had enough. I am tired of hearing my own whining! Enough is enough! Drama, flee from me! Satan, even death has no sting! I rebuke you. I am ready to seek out the positive things in life. Becoming a Christian does not mean that I will be free of troubles. Emotional and physical pain will exist for us as long as we live on earth.  That is not a bad thing. It doesn’t feel like a good thing either! The tests we endure now prepare us for future prosperity. It is also no coincidence that the struggles I face are magnified when I am not reading my Bible daily and spending time alone with the Lord.

This past weekend my family was traveling.  We were neighborhood, house and office hunting in preparation for our big move next month. We found a church to attend where the pastor experienced a tragedy years back. That situation caused his faith to increase as a result, not decrease. While he shared his story, I realized we are constantly in battle with the things of the world. We will not understand or win every battle; however, we must not lose our faith in the face of grief or pain.  It is important to always act in ways that are uplifting and pleasing as our lives are examples to others. I cannot comprehend why I must experience the troubles as of late, and I pray for knowledge that passes all understanding. I pray that I become stronger in my faith and a better person as a result.

Have I been alone in asking “Why”?  I do not feel like I am alone – but from this point forward, I am going to work on changing my question to, “What lesson can I learn from this?”  I must MAKE time daily for God. Time with the Lord and physical exercise are two things that seem to get pushed off the priority list when work and home life gets chaotic. I desire to be healthy on the inside and outside!  

I always appreciate and welcome prayers, comments and direct emails. I would be happy to pray for you too!

I was reading my bible, and this chapter in Psalm stood out for me today.

Psalm 2 (NIV)

May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! May he send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion! May he remember all your offerings and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices. May he grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the Lord fulfill all your petitions! Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call.

My family recently experienced a passing. No matter how prepared I thought I was for my Dad’s death, it still devastated me. I wanted to write about it immediately, but found myself at a loss for words. I was able to write a letter to him for the funeral. Eventually I plan to pen a memoir for him titled “Dad, I Remember You.”  That project will go on the back burner (with so many others) until I am ready to tackle it. 

My father was ill with dementia for 10+ years, and had been in a full time nursing facility for over 7 of those years. God finally took him home July 23^rd.  I thought about the possibility of his passing after every weekly visit with him. I often wondered why God would keep his body going so strong after his mind failed. I was angry at times over this, knowing that my dad was such a proud man, and would never want his life to turn out that way.  

Looking back, the timing of his passing was a painful, yet important closure for me. I know now that the extra time with him was a precious gift. I was not ready to let him go. I still yearn for one more visit with him. Knowing that he is in a better place and his mind is restored comforts me.

God does keep his promises. When a door closes, another opens. With his passing, I was able to take a transfer and move on and up in my career. This move will also open up time and my mind for creative work, to include writing, woodwork and sewing. God is good.  All the time! All the time, (you can finish the sentence!)

What I’ve learned:  I tend to stress and fuss over details. I want to know what, where, when and why. I also feel the need to know how and have an exact timeline for things. I am slowly and not too happily learning that things don’t happen on my time schedule, and not always the way I would plan them. That part frustrates me to no end!  I do know that when I let the stress of it all go and let God work out the details, everything happens as it should.  I may never understand how this happens, but it does. Am I alone in this?  Please pray for me as I work through the emotions and begin to work daily to let go and let God plant the seeds of my future.

On a lighter note, in between purging my household belongings and packing, I am working on the story I outlined last month.  The personal turmoil I’ve experienced in the past month adds an emotionally creative, real twist to this story. I am very excited about this and other projects I have in the works. With my upcoming move, I will have more time, space and emotional availability to write.

I am taking a step out in faith, focusing on the blessings and not the burdens.  For Jesus did say that worrying would not add any time to our lives. I have a long way to go with this. One thing I know for sure is that one step at a time, I am Getting Better God’s Way!

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

First, I want to say I love you.  Dad, you loved me through the thick and thin. Through my mistakes and my triumphs. You are and will always be my hero – a perfect example of how a father should be.  I know I made many wrong choices in life, but you never judged me. When I succeeded, you celebrated with me. 

You were an amazing father and an amazing man. I have so many wonderful memories.  If I were to mention them all in this letter, I would run out of paper.

We went to the dump together so many times. That may not sound very exciting to most, but it was my favorite childhood adventure.  I would get to hang out with the coolest guy in the world, my Daddy.  We would load up the trash and then head to the dump. I wasn’t much help, but you would always say I was. When we got to the landfill, you’d holler at me to stay in the truck.   I usually got out and ran around anyway. It was after the dump that was the most fun. We would go to Uncle Pete’s store and I would get my pick of candy (or candies).  I usually chose a Marathon bar which I would grasp in my hand and proceed to smear on my face and get in my hair. You tried your best to clean me up, but the usual resolve was to say “We will get hell when we get home anyway.”  We would our end dump day adventure by heading back home, usually picking up a few aluminum cans along the side of the road and tossing them into the back of the pickup.

You called our candy outings “glue-potting” although I never knew where that term came from. I just loved spending time with you.  I was your Tomato Plant, and you were my Daddy.  I think you called me that because I had red cheeks all the time, but I am not sure.  You called Debbie Dog Bite.  Those were the best nicknames kids could ever ask for.

Being the youngest, I often felt left out when my older sister Debbie got to attend big girl events like dances and slumber parties.  We had a camper on the truck and you would take me down the street to the park and pretend to camp out.  We would split hotdogs in half and fry them in butter.  After eating, we would head home to Mom, who probably enjoyed the break!  Now the truth can be told – my outings with you were far better than any silly school dance or slumber party. 

When I got my driver’s license and Grandpa Turner sold me that big old blue Pontiac, you showed me how to change oil and tires.  You didn’t let me take the car out until you knew I could do these things. You sat in a lawn chair drinking a Diet Pepsi while I changed the oil and rotated the tires.  At the time it seemed like cruel punishment, but now, many years later, I appreciate the lessons I learned that afternoon.  You didn’t want me to have to rely on anyone.

When I wrecked the fender on that Pontiac, I called, you and Mom came right away.  I knew you were upset with me, but after checking to make sure the car would run and make it home, you made me drive it.  I didn’t want to get behind the wheel, but you made me do it. Even though you did not yell at me, I knew I upset you with my carelessness.  When I had the car repaired, you would not let me paint the fender.  I learned so many lessons that way - without a harsh word from you. 

I remember the day I announced I was joining the Marine Corps.  Even stronger is the memory of the day I left for basic training.  I know you were afraid for me, yet your pride kept me strong for those 13 long weeks.  Your pride kept me strong as I served our great country just like my Dad did so many years before me. 

My memories of our good times are strong, even after that awful disease took your memories away. I will always remember.  I held your hand that last day, and in my heart I knew you would remember it all again soon.

Rest in peace, I love and miss you!

Tammy

At a loss...

I am at a loss for words.  On July 23rd, my father passed away. Tomorrow his remains will be buried with military honors and I will close this chapter of my life. The past few weeks have gone by in a blur.

I fear that the love I have for him and the memories I store in my heart will begin to fade.I am grateful for every moment I had with him, yet wish I had more of those moments. He was in so much pain in the end - I know it is a relief that he passed, but the selfish side of me wishes I could just hold his hand one more time. He was a good man, a wonderful man. My sister and I wrote letters to him that I will have buried at the cemetary. Letters filled with love and beautiful memories of our time with an honorable man.

I also fear that he did not accept Jesus before he passed. We prayed for him so much over the past years, but his mental condition was such that I will always wonder about his salvation.

I am at a loss for words. 

Feelings and Emotions

You can feel them, but not touch them. They can be strong enough to cause intense pain, yet not leave a visible mark on you.

This is something that Jesus has been working on in me. Sometimes it is hard for me to express feelings in a way that I feel others will understand. Often, I am afraid to express my feelings because it may hurt someone else’s feelings. When someone else’s hurt or negative feelings show, I feel guilty or responsible. I feel as if I caused that person to feel or act in a hurtful way. Yet, I don’t want to show those feelings either. This is an emotional rollercoaster!  It seems so complicated, yet should be simple.   

A recent experience caused me to think a lot about feelings and emotions.  I had a scheduled doctor’s appointment that was 200 miles away from home. When I arrived, I was notified by the clerk that my appointment had been cancelled by the practitioner, who was on vacation for the week.  He insisted, as a matter of fact, that I had been notified of the cancellation.   

I mentioned above that sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Well, not this time! I had a big girl meltdown, complete with tears, snot, sweat, ragged breathing and stuttering. Right there, in the front office of the medical clinic! In front of a clerk who, at this point looked mortified. My heart was racing and I felt out of control of my emotions for a little while. Pain and hurt surfaced. Then embarrassment set in. I left and did not reschedule the appointment.

I couldn’t figure out what was more disappointing, the day off of work (I work commission only, so this also meant a day with no pay), or that the issue I made the appointment for would not be resolved. Or, was it the smug way the news was delivered? Nope!  Sorry to say, it was none of the above.

Lucky for me, (sarcasm…) I had a three hour drive home to contemplate what happened. All the feelings and emotions that I kept bottled up for months, perhaps years, surfaced, triggered by a single discouraging moment. I was reminded of past mistakes and wrongs going back years. Every personal negative comment I heard and those pesky negative thoughts I have about myself all surfaced at once. I look back now and see how the enemy was at work. This was not the first time for this. I pray it will be the last.

I know God does not want me to keep all that emotional pain and negativity bottled up. And he certainly does not want me to feel the way I felt that day. That is why He has a personal relationship with me, and I with Him. I need to go to Him with my troubles and, and cast my cares on Him. Once I was able to get on the road headed home, I was tearfully reminded of a verse in my bible:

Matthew 6:27 (NIV) -Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I pulled over and prayed for quite a while. I had another cry, a cleansing moment where I felt broken and knew I needed Jesus’ help. I asked Him to help me, and I thanked him for comforting me in my moment of need. I need to do so much better with asking for heavenly guidance with emotional turmoil.  The only way to fully deal with pain and emotional suffering is to bring issues to the feet of Jesus Christ.  We can relieve ourselves of so much worry and internal pain this way. Jesus clearly lets us know we are not gaining anything by stressing and worrying.

This experience opened my eyes. I am far from being perfect, and will always need to acknowledge my emotions. I will do my best to not let things get so out of control. I know that it is not healthy for me to hold negative emotions and stress inside.  I will swell up and burst at the most inopportune moment as so clearly demonstrated above. Instead, I will allow myself to feel the emotions as they occur, and seek guidance through prayer.

I am embarrassed to post this, yet I feel compelled to do exactly that. I am afraid of what people will think of me. It is so easy to get caught up in these negative emotions – so I am posting, and praying. I invite and welcome comments or email.

Good Morning!
God brings people into our lives, and causes situations occur that we may not understand.  But He does!  Praise Him! Visiting this past Sunday with a friend from church changed my mindset and, in a lot of ways changed me. I realized, although it may seem unrelated to the lunch and fellowship with our hostess, my heart was molded. The trees and the relaxed atmosphere of the visit calmed me and I was able to focus on what I need to do. I know that God is working, because my heart was at peace, and is still at peace as I move forward with my plans. Today I made the decision to continue my writing, which had come to a recent standstill. I decide today to move forward and not let discouraging thoughts and fear stop me in keeping with His perfect will. 
I have also reevaluated my priorities and goals. I will write more about this in the future. It is my hope and prayer that, if anyone reading this blog is fighting a similar battle with discouragement, they turn to God and He will show them the true path to follow.  Once shown this path, I pray we all stay on it, seeking constant guidance and encouragement to continue moving forward. 

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for all the blessings in my life.  I ask for continued guidance and that You direct my path.  It is my desire to remain in Your will.  Help me to be faithful servant in my writing, that I may help others to lean on You for You  alone know what is best for us.  You are my Saviour and my Provider - in times of rejoicing and in times of need. Thank you for loving me, even when I stray - and for always welcoming me back home no matter the hour.
In Jesus' precious name, Amen.

Hospitality

While at church a couple weeks ago, my family was invited to have lunch at the home of an acquaintance. We had visited with this beautiful woman a few times at church, and she opened her home today and welcomed us, as well as another couple, to a scrumptious lunch. I could tell she had taken a great deal of effort with her preparations.  Her home is in a beautiful mountain setting and she happily gave us a tour of not only her house, relaxing wrap around porch and garden, and perhaps, most notably, she offered a glimpse into the caring person she is. The fellowship was amazing, the atmosphere calming to the spirit.  She stepped out of her comfort zone to invite us over, and showed us a genuine example of hospitality. We were blessed to be there, and I feel blessed now thinking about the experience.

Have you ever felt the urge to step outside of that zone, and invite someone to lunch? To do something kind for an acquaintance or stranger with no expectation of reward? When we neglect these urges, I believe we miss out on blessings. These blessings are gifts that will fuel us to continue on this quest of kindness and generosity. Ignore the desire to do kind and generous things, and eventually the desire may go away. I don’t want to miss out on blessings! I know this seems repetitive, since my last blog was similar, however, I feel I needed to write about this again for my own development. I need to be continually reminded, until it becomes a habit.

Let’s bless someone at the next urging!  I welcome comments if you want to share how acts of kindness have changed you in some way.

Matthew 6:19-20 (NIV)

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

1 Peter 4:8-10 (NIV)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.

Today I wanted to write about something enlightening. Truthfully, I was at the dentist having two root canals taken care of. I was desperate to take my mind off the drill in my mouth for what seemed like two straight hours. That awful whirring sound makes my skin crawl. Usually when I am not able to write my thoughts down, interesting ideas flash into my mind then vaporize. Not this time. I am home, and my earlier thought is still with me (the Novocain shot is wearing off though, just saying!)

My idea for today is not a shocking new concept; it is something that I personally need to pray about and take to heart daily. I am at my best emotionally when I do nice things for people I do not know. This is succinctly stated in the Bible, my guidebook.

Matthew 5:46 ESV, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?”

This does not mean that I should not love those who love me. That comes naturally. Rather, it refers to making an effort toward people who may not know or like me. I have heard a lot of buzz recently about gratitude, but what about anonymous gratitude? What if I was intentionally kind to at least one stranger a day? How about a perceived enemy? What would change about my everyday life if I made an extra effort to do something, even if I can only manage ONE thing each day, nice for someone with no anticipation of recognition? I like the idea of “pay it forward,” but why wait until something nice is done for me? When I am feeling depressed or emotionally drained, I need to do this to recharge myself. This concept coupled with prayer, in my opinion, is the best way to heal emotionally. I thought of just a few examples of actions I can take every day to show my gratitude:

·         Open a door for someone
·         Smile and say “good morning” or “good afternoon” to a stranger (while doing above)
·         Help someone load their groceries from the shopping cart into their car so they can get out of the  heat (or cold) quickly
·         Pay for a drive through meal for the vehicle behind me
·         Send or drop off a thank you card to someone who was nice to me, even if they were just doing their job
·         Send or drop off an anonymous cheerful card to someone who seems to be sad or troubled
·         Pick up and toss a pesky piece of trash that is sitting on the sidewalk in front of a local business
·         Hand a cold bottle of water to a homeless or stranded person

Romans 12:2 ESV  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

These ideas are not new but I must renew them in my mind on a daily basis. I want to make a difference. Will you join me?  I welcome comments and ideas to add to the list above.

Personal note:
How easy it is for me to get discouraged! A hint of negativity from someone I care about, and poof, I put aside my dream to write. The emotional pain of not writing quickly became worse than the fear of negativity and the burning desire to get words down on paper forces me back to this place. Thankfully, I have far more positive people in my life than negative, and these wonderful friends encourage and lift me up in prayer daily! Most importantly, praise God that I have a wonderful friend in Jesus. “He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)  As an answer to prayer, I am thankful that God gave me the gift of an amazing Christian husband who is a constant source of inspiration!

After this brief writing “vacation,”for lack of a better word, (or rather, my not wanting to use a word that is more fitting,) I have started working on my book again. If you are interested in reading the rough draft of the introduction, it is my second blog entry. (June 9^th) This is a painfully slow process since one of the anonymous stories to be included is my own. God has so much work to do on me, and I feel His healing hands on mine now, even as I search for words.

I know that God has placed on my heart a desire to write for children as well. While living in Las Vegas, sitting in a church service in 2005, I was moved to write on the note section of the sermon bulletin. The note said something like this: “Write five short stories for children - all proceeds to be given over to God.” I have that bulletin somewhere; it surfaces now and then when I am looking through my writing notes. I have not truly acted upon the prompting until now. I don't know exactly what I am supposed to write about, but I know I must begin. I am praying for guidance and feel led by faith to write about a grey squirrel named Nigel. Please pray for me as Nigel and I take a the first steps tonight on a journey about forgiveness.

Blessings,

Tammy

INTEGRITY

            I have been journaling lately, and I feel conflicted when I reread my entries. I wonder if I have been acting with integrity. I decided to start by looking up the definition of integrity on dictionary.com

in·teg·ri·ty

noun

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

Do I adhere to sound moral and ethical principles 100% of the time? Am I the same person no matter who I am around? In recent journal writings, I’ve discovered that I act differently depending on the person or people I am around. I even use different language at times!  I sheepishly admit *blushing* choice words slip off my tongue that shouldn’t while in certain company. Can anyone relate? No wonder I feel conflicted! Or is it convicted? This bible verse comes to mind:

Proverbs 15:4 NIV

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

With that being confessed, the question remains - who am I? Or, the bigger question is, who do I want to be? I sincerely want to show God’s love to others ALL the time. I want to be known as a trustworthy, honest and caring person. However, the problem is, I also want to be accepted and liked by everyone. I fear that some people may not accept me if they figure out I am a Christian. Why does this matter? It shouldn’t.

Can I act with integrity sometimes, and then act differently when I am in different company? The answer is NO! Hence, my feeling conflicted. I have come to the realization that I have a choice to make and I choose God! I choose my Lord and Savior. I choose to be a woman of my word and His Word, regardless of what others may think. I feel better, less conflicted, this very moment just by making that choice. I know I will still make mistakes, I will stumble. I will recognize the feelings and correct my path right away if I feel myself falling into the old habit of people pleasing. Wow, I am out of the spiritual closet, so to speak! It feels good.

If you are feeling conflicted, or have been questioning your own integrity, I hope you make a solid choice one way or the other too. Words cannot express how much better I feel now. Life is all about the choices we make. Let’s make some good ones today!

*********************************************************************

If you do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ and would like one, please talk to someone who does! They can answer questions and help you make the right choice. I copied a simple prayer below that I will say often to remind myself of the path I have chosen.

"Heavenly Father, have mercy on me, a sinner. I believe in you and that your word is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that he died on the cross so that I may now have forgiveness for my sins and eternal life. I know that without you in my heart my life is meaningless.

I believe in my heart that you, God, raised Him from the dead. Please Jesus forgive me, for every sin I have ever committed or done in my heart, please Lord Jesus forgive me and come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior today. I need you to be my Father and my friend.

I give you my life and ask you to take full control from this moment on; I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ."

Amen.

After much prayer, I decided to use this blog as a venting place for ideas that pop into my head that I want to share with others. I will give updates on how my book writing and other projects are coming along, as well as any writing contests I enter. Thanks to all my friends for the encouragement!

               I feel that airing different topics and thoughts will help me understand myself better, as well as get to know others and define my writing style. So, starting tomorrow, I will post on somewhat random topics that I hope you find interesting and thought provoking. Possibly even inspiring….. I wonder what God has in store for me? Please keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you.

I know I am getting better, praise God! Do you know how I know this? The first clue is that I am actually sitting down to write about my pain, feelings of loss, exhaustion and stress. By the grace of God, I know I am not alone. Women I meet and talk to about this are not alone. YOU, my new friends, are not alone. Amen! Of course, names and some details in stories I will use have been changed, but the pain and healing is very real. And God’s amazing hand is in each and every healing. This is very real.

A little about me. I have always wanted to write. I’ve felt a slow simmering urge to write for many years. The urge slowly (and I mean slowly) has now heated to a burning desire. Our amazing God knows me so well. He knew I would flinch and run if He turned up the heat too quickly on my fragile heart. Praise Him that we are never given more than we can handle during a particular season in our lives. My burning desire to write turned into several story starts, abrupt stops, and many tears as I struggled with what to write about. I wanted to write wonderful stories for children, romance novels for women, inspirational stories for my Christian sisters. Murder mysteries for the whodunit fans, poetry to soothe souls. I wanted to write it all! Every time I put pen to paper or pulled out my laptop to type, the stories were hijacked by pain, memories of abuse, overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment not only in myself, but others who had been in my life. I was too discouraged to pray to God to ask for his guidance, even though I knew He would be the only One who could relieve my depression.

Fear of rejection, fear of failure and worse of all, fear of success also stopped me in my tracks. Yes, you read me right, fear of success. That may sound strange, but it is what I have been feeling the past forty years.  Afraid to follow my dreams and desire to weave tales on paper for others to enjoy. Fearful that if I wrote down my thoughts, people would read them and know that I am a miserable depressed person. Fear that people would not like me if they knew I had been sexually assaulted, physically abused and often felt detached from others. Not to mention the multiple failed marriages of my past. 

I covered up my fears by “talking” writing when I should have been “writing” writing. I know, from mingling with other women, that many of us have dreams to draw, paint, write and take beautiful pictures. We want to do something creative and fulfilling. Yet, we hesitate to start because of fear.  Let’s start now.  Together.

Did you find my story because you are seeking a way to let this creativity live outside of your dreams? It’s time, sister, to make our dreams come true. As I began to let go and let God help me with my dreams, I prayed that I may know what I should write about. I know now, that it is this very struggle that I must put down on paper. The very thing I was struggling with is what I need to write about. God does not waste a hurt or a struggle.

As an answer to prayer, God has started bringing wonderful women into my life. Strong and capable women who love the Lord.  Often I cry when I hear about their struggles and pain. I tear up over the suffering, and tears of joy flow as they share the healing that has taken place in their lives.  

          No, sigh, I am not the bestselling author I dream of becoming, but by just putting words down on paper, I am, in fact, a writer. Yes, I am no longer “talking” about writing, I am “writing” about it. This is in God's hands.  In future posts, let's journey together. Please join my new friends and me - let’s become strong together.

As I begin this journey

I am writing this blog with much prayer and encouragement from family and friends. I am starting my public writing journey today with hope that I can encourage women to step out of their comfort zone alongside me and begin doing what they have always dreamed of, whether that be writing, painting, drawing, race car driving, mountain climbing, or whatever amazing thing that is their heart's desire.
I have a couple favors to ask before I begin.  First, please bear with me as this is my timid first step on this journey of becoming a writer. I always appreciate encouragement and advice along the way. Comments are appreciated, but I would like to keep this a place of encouragement and positive emotion. Constructive criticism is OK too, as long as it is given with a good heart. I plan to use this blog as a starting point to complete an encouraging book for women of all ages who are overcoming emotional pain.

I will begin with one of my favorite scriptures:

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

and my prayer:

I pray, Lord, that you are by my side, directing my path as I move forward on this journey. Thank you for the courage to begin.  Whatever Your will be in this, I pray You guide me every step of the way. In my precious Lord Jesus' name, Amen