A little nostalgic

I decided to watch Pretty In Pink on Netflix over the weekend.  That was one of my favorite movies in the late 80's and I was excited to revisit it with my husband. 

My feeling of excitement was short lived.  Although the movie was just as I remembered - the emotions that I felt watching it were not pleasant.  You see, I was "that" girl.  The ugly duckling child wearing second hand clothes who never quite fit in. I smelled bad because my parents smoked in the house and car.  Obviously, my family was not wealthy.  My sarcastic grown up self looks on the bright side - I didn't have to worry about making an ill fitting prom dress out of two different ghastly pink gowns - because I was not invited to the prom.  I wasn't invited to much of anything. 

I had friends who faded away from me as the school years went by.  I just wasn't pretty or cool enough, I suppose.  Many evenings after working at a local restaurant, I cried, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I wondered what I could do differently so that people would like me.  Prom night was especially depressing.  I did find ways to cope with my insecurity.  I found attention where I shouldn't have. I could go into so much more detail here, but will save that for my prayer time and personal journal.

It has been over 20 years since I left my hometown, and openly thought about my high school years. I even avoided my class reunions. Much personal effort has been spent trying to block the memories of the cruel comments either whispered or hurled in my direction, and the personal feelings of inadequacy while growing up.  There are so many ugly things, aside from the feeling of not fitting in with the other students.  I joined the military and left my hometown over 20 years ago.  I never looked back.

After watching the movie, I opened up the dusty window to my past.  I peeked in and realized that there is still a little pain there. Insecurity that rears its ugly head even today.  I have decided to air out those memories and see them for what they are, just memories. Memories that I been carrying around like ugly heavy trash bags for no good reason. No wonder my back hurts some days!  I am going to open those ugly memories up, write about them and let them go.  :-)

Bottom line - after leaving high school and my home town, I made a great life for myself.  I have had one adventure after another.  Some positive, some not so positive. I am a business owner and I have traveled and enjoyed the better things in life. I know what it means to work hard and play hard.  I have been places and experienced things that some would only dream of.  I am in control of my life - and I am deciding to not just lock these memories away, but rather, to open them up and air them out.  I am not alone in my past experiences. I am, in fact, a survivor.

I am not pointing fingers at people who may not even realize they hurt me, I am merely explaining how I feel.  Had I expressed my true feelings during my younger years, I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be today.  Plus, I look at it this way - what good true life material I have for future writing projects! 

God is good to me - all the time.  I am ok.  You are ok.  We are all ok together - regardless of our past.  Regardless of what others may say or do - past, present or future - we are in control of our own destinies!

"A person doesn't fall into sin, they walk into it one step at a time!"

I heard this on the radio when I was between client appointments not too long ago, and it stuck with me.  It is still forefront in my mind a week later. So much so, that I am compelled to write about it here.

 I was in and out of my car that day - flipping through radio stations and catching snippets of various messages.  I didn't hear the name of the pastor giving the message, if I had, I’d certainly reference him.  However, the TRUE author of this message is God.  Isn’t He amazing?!?  He puts a message in front of me right when I need it most.

I was having one of those “poor me” days (read: weeks,) and I was not the most positive person to be around.  This message reminded me that I am in charge of my own personal choices every day. I take each step, whether it is a positive or negative one, MYSELF.  How I choose to act is entirely up to ME!  No person or situation can make me feel a certain way.  I have opportunities every day to choose joy over negativity.  Now, I am not saying that I will always be a joyful person, but I will work toward that goal, and make an effort to find the positive in everything I do.

My negative attitude is sinful. It hurts others. It is not representative of who I really am.

I don’t fall into sin, I walk into it one thought, one excuse, one step at a time!  This the equivalent of an attitude adjustment for me – one a very much needed!

Change.

Through change, we grow.  As we grow, we bring about more change.  It is a beautiful cycle.

I have a dream...

My dream is that I will be able to reach the other side of my journey of healing and extend my hand to other women who are struggling - helping them recover as well.  Many people who know me, have no idea that I am on this journey.

My dream may be lofty, but I know that I am capable of reaching it.  After all, I am better today than I was yesterday.  Tomorrow I will be stronger still.

The long sad days of being a victim are behind me - but that does not mean that the memories of those days are.  I continue to learn, and in my daily journal writing, I am discovering so much about myself.  I know that I am not a victim, I am a survivor. 

Yes, I am a survivor!

Every step I take, is one step closer to knowing myself and reaching my goals.  My journey does not have an end destination, rather, it has many glorious and fulfilling stops along the way.

I am thankful for a wonderful, loving husband and son. I am blessed.

Your past does not define who you are!

We must constantly be improving, not looking back. It is ok to learn from the past, but too much time dwelling on it will cause success paralysis. Keep moving toward your goal and you will reach it! Blessings!

Tammy

Joy

What ever you are doing, do it with joy. Attitude is an individual choice. People want to be around and do business with people who are happy on the inside and out.

Today I saw a young man holding a large sign advertising a special for an oil change business. He looked so miserable that, even if I wanted an oil change, I wouldn't have pulled in to that shop. Instead of attracting customers, he was deflecting them - quite possibly to a competitor two blocks away!

Try this ... If you are not having business or personal results you would like, take a look at the attitude you chose to wear. If it is not a joyful one, perhaps a quick change is in order.

Bravery

I am very brave if I know I have backup nearby.  My day job is sales, so I face rejection and negativity from time to time.  I know I have an excellent leadership and management team to back me up so I am able to continue with my work.  If I begin to feel overwhelmed with work issues, I always have someone nearby I can talk to.

Why is is to hard for me to share my faith with others?  Many times I forget that I have a spiritual backup and I fail to pursue what I know I should do.  Jesus is right here by my side all the time.  HE is my backup and I am His.

Today the sermon at church was on Acts 8:26 - 40.  In this passage, Philip listened and obeyed God's promptings.  What really struck me about this message was that Philip was listening and heard the Angel. I want, more than anything, to be still and hear the promptings. To know what work God has planned for me. When the Angel speaks, will I be brave enough to act on it as Philip did?  I pray I am. 

Please pray for me, and I welcome your comments. 

Negativity Be Gone From Me!

Lately it seems, I am frustrated at the most minute of things around me, including people, work, weather and loud noises.  I am even frustrated about my writing - or lack thereof. Today I reached a point where I needed to stop and reflect on my attitude - before my attitude permeates those around me. Even worse, what do I do if it already has? What if my poor attitude has hurt those I love?
Questions I felt I needed to ask myself:
Why do I feel overwhelmed and tired.
Why am I discouraged?
What is at the root of this negativity?
Where is God at times like this?

I spent a few hours in solitude, indulging in a pity party, including two donuts and several cups of coffee, and this is what I came up with:
I feel as if my life has somehow spun out of my control. I feel alone, even with my family around me most of the time. My energy is drained. I have gained a little weight and humorous, unintentional comments have been made about it.
These things are all coming from the enemy! The deceptive one has made his voice louder than that of my Jesus, who I love. How do I drown out the negativity so the true Light can shine through? I began to realize that a part of me is comfortable with the feelings I have been having. Feeling frustrated keeps me from having to face certain things in my life that I know I need to take care of.

At the end of my pity party - I began to pray. I gave my troubles over to God. I began to feel better right away. Yes, I admit, I tried to hold on to a few of my negative thoughts (they were like a pair of comfy fuzzy socks) but I knew I needed to hand it ALL over to truly feel blessing over my emotional well being.

I feel better now, praise God! The cloud of depression has lifted, and with it my eyes are lifted to Him. And I AM WRITING! I feel focused and prepared for the days and weeks ahead.

I am reminded of a simple verse in the New Testament where Jesus said:

Luke 11:9 NIV - "So I say to you: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  

All I had to do was ask!  Simple as that sounds, I took the long uphill path to get there. Does anyone else ever feel overwhelmed with negativity and frustration? I pray that we all find the peace we need to continue to be the women we are called to be. Join with me in asking for His gracious help.
Feel free to email or post a comment as to how you work through these feelings.

CHANGE IS GOOD?

When I think of the word "change," many cliche's come to mind

Change is good, hope and Change, keep the Change, Change your tune, a leopard cannot Change his spots, and Change of life - to name a few.

I have experienced many changes in my life. I can use the first cliche above to describe how I feel about the last one listed.  Change IS good, even if it doesn't seem that way initially.

We all experience change, both emotional and physical.

I have put on a few pounds. I will be conscientious and take good care of myself with diet and exercise, but I will not berate myself about my weight. This skin of mine is not as smooth as it once was. I will continue to stay out of the sun and use moisturizer, I will not stare at myself in the mirror and think negatively about my appearance. I often break out in a sweat from the neck up, sometimes profusely, for no obvious reason.  This is an inconvenience, but I will look at this change as a part of becoming more mature and grounded as I move into the future that has been prepared for me

The bottom line is, I am finally OK with change.  I have reached a point in my life where I am becoming comfortable being me.  I accept that God has plans for me that only He knows. These plans will continue to change and mold me as I seek out His purpose for my life. 

As I continue on this personal journey of change, one thing keeps me grounded. I can count on the fact that:

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."  Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)

Let's clink our teacups in a toast to Change. I pray that we will all accept change as it comes, and allow it to mold us and make us stronger - preparing us for our true purpose in life, whatever that may be. 

Am I alone in feeling this way? Comments are welcome!