I decided to watch Pretty In Pink on Netflix over the weekend. That was one of my favorite movies in the late 80's and I was excited to revisit it with my husband.
My feeling of excitement was short lived. Although the movie was just as I remembered - the emotions that I felt watching it were not pleasant. You see, I was "that" girl. The ugly duckling child wearing second hand clothes who never quite fit in. I smelled bad because my parents smoked in the house and car. Obviously, my family was not wealthy. My sarcastic grown up self looks on the bright side - I didn't have to worry about making an ill fitting prom dress out of two different ghastly pink gowns - because I was not invited to the prom. I wasn't invited to much of anything.
I had friends who faded away from me as the school years went by. I just wasn't pretty or cool enough, I suppose. Many evenings after working at a local restaurant, I cried, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I wondered what I could do differently so that people would like me. Prom night was especially depressing. I did find ways to cope with my insecurity. I found attention where I shouldn't have. I could go into so much more detail here, but will save that for my prayer time and personal journal.
It has been over 20 years since I left my hometown, and openly thought about my high school years. I even avoided my class reunions. Much personal effort has been spent trying to block the memories of the cruel comments either whispered or hurled in my direction, and the personal feelings of inadequacy while growing up. There are so many ugly things, aside from the feeling of not fitting in with the other students. I joined the military and left my hometown over 20 years ago. I never looked back.
After watching the movie, I opened up the dusty window to my past. I peeked in and realized that there is still a little pain there. Insecurity that rears its ugly head even today. I have decided to air out those memories and see them for what they are, just memories. Memories that I been carrying around like ugly heavy trash bags for no good reason. No wonder my back hurts some days! I am going to open those ugly memories up, write about them and let them go. :-)
Bottom line - after leaving high school and my home town, I made a great life for myself. I have had one adventure after another. Some positive, some not so positive. I am a business owner and I have traveled and enjoyed the better things in life. I know what it means to work hard and play hard. I have been places and experienced things that some would only dream of. I am in control of my life - and I am deciding to not just lock these memories away, but rather, to open them up and air them out. I am not alone in my past experiences. I am, in fact, a survivor.
I am not pointing fingers at people who may not even realize they hurt me, I am merely explaining how I feel. Had I expressed my true feelings during my younger years, I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be today. Plus, I look at it this way - what good true life material I have for future writing projects!
God is good to me - all the time. I am ok. You are ok. We are all ok together - regardless of our past. Regardless of what others may say or do - past, present or future - we are in control of our own destinies!
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