Today I wanted to write about something enlightening. Truthfully, I was at the dentist having two root canals taken care of. I was desperate to take my mind off the drill in my mouth for what seemed like two straight hours. That awful whirring sound makes my skin crawl. Usually when I am not able to write my thoughts down, interesting ideas flash into my mind then vaporize. Not this time. I am home, and my earlier thought is still with me (the Novocain shot is wearing off though, just saying!)

My idea for today is not a shocking new concept; it is something that I personally need to pray about and take to heart daily. I am at my best emotionally when I do nice things for people I do not know. This is succinctly stated in the Bible, my guidebook.

Matthew 5:46 ESV, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?”

This does not mean that I should not love those who love me. That comes naturally. Rather, it refers to making an effort toward people who may not know or like me. I have heard a lot of buzz recently about gratitude, but what about anonymous gratitude? What if I was intentionally kind to at least one stranger a day? How about a perceived enemy? What would change about my everyday life if I made an extra effort to do something, even if I can only manage ONE thing each day, nice for someone with no anticipation of recognition? I like the idea of “pay it forward,” but why wait until something nice is done for me? When I am feeling depressed or emotionally drained, I need to do this to recharge myself. This concept coupled with prayer, in my opinion, is the best way to heal emotionally. I thought of just a few examples of actions I can take every day to show my gratitude:

·         Open a door for someone
·         Smile and say “good morning” or “good afternoon” to a stranger (while doing above)
·         Help someone load their groceries from the shopping cart into their car so they can get out of the  heat (or cold) quickly
·         Pay for a drive through meal for the vehicle behind me
·         Send or drop off a thank you card to someone who was nice to me, even if they were just doing their job
·         Send or drop off an anonymous cheerful card to someone who seems to be sad or troubled
·         Pick up and toss a pesky piece of trash that is sitting on the sidewalk in front of a local business
·         Hand a cold bottle of water to a homeless or stranded person

Romans 12:2 ESV  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

These ideas are not new but I must renew them in my mind on a daily basis. I want to make a difference. Will you join me?  I welcome comments and ideas to add to the list above.

Personal note:
How easy it is for me to get discouraged! A hint of negativity from someone I care about, and poof, I put aside my dream to write. The emotional pain of not writing quickly became worse than the fear of negativity and the burning desire to get words down on paper forces me back to this place. Thankfully, I have far more positive people in my life than negative, and these wonderful friends encourage and lift me up in prayer daily! Most importantly, praise God that I have a wonderful friend in Jesus. “He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)  As an answer to prayer, I am thankful that God gave me the gift of an amazing Christian husband who is a constant source of inspiration!

After this brief writing “vacation,”for lack of a better word, (or rather, my not wanting to use a word that is more fitting,) I have started working on my book again. If you are interested in reading the rough draft of the introduction, it is my second blog entry. (June 9^th) This is a painfully slow process since one of the anonymous stories to be included is my own. God has so much work to do on me, and I feel His healing hands on mine now, even as I search for words.

I know that God has placed on my heart a desire to write for children as well. While living in Las Vegas, sitting in a church service in 2005, I was moved to write on the note section of the sermon bulletin. The note said something like this: “Write five short stories for children - all proceeds to be given over to God.” I have that bulletin somewhere; it surfaces now and then when I am looking through my writing notes. I have not truly acted upon the prompting until now. I don't know exactly what I am supposed to write about, but I know I must begin. I am praying for guidance and feel led by faith to write about a grey squirrel named Nigel. Please pray for me as Nigel and I take a the first steps tonight on a journey about forgiveness.

Blessings,

Tammy

INTEGRITY

            I have been journaling lately, and I feel conflicted when I reread my entries. I wonder if I have been acting with integrity. I decided to start by looking up the definition of integrity on dictionary.com

in·teg·ri·ty

noun

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

Do I adhere to sound moral and ethical principles 100% of the time? Am I the same person no matter who I am around? In recent journal writings, I’ve discovered that I act differently depending on the person or people I am around. I even use different language at times!  I sheepishly admit *blushing* choice words slip off my tongue that shouldn’t while in certain company. Can anyone relate? No wonder I feel conflicted! Or is it convicted? This bible verse comes to mind:

Proverbs 15:4 NIV

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

With that being confessed, the question remains - who am I? Or, the bigger question is, who do I want to be? I sincerely want to show God’s love to others ALL the time. I want to be known as a trustworthy, honest and caring person. However, the problem is, I also want to be accepted and liked by everyone. I fear that some people may not accept me if they figure out I am a Christian. Why does this matter? It shouldn’t.

Can I act with integrity sometimes, and then act differently when I am in different company? The answer is NO! Hence, my feeling conflicted. I have come to the realization that I have a choice to make and I choose God! I choose my Lord and Savior. I choose to be a woman of my word and His Word, regardless of what others may think. I feel better, less conflicted, this very moment just by making that choice. I know I will still make mistakes, I will stumble. I will recognize the feelings and correct my path right away if I feel myself falling into the old habit of people pleasing. Wow, I am out of the spiritual closet, so to speak! It feels good.

If you are feeling conflicted, or have been questioning your own integrity, I hope you make a solid choice one way or the other too. Words cannot express how much better I feel now. Life is all about the choices we make. Let’s make some good ones today!

*********************************************************************

If you do not have a relationship with Jesus Christ and would like one, please talk to someone who does! They can answer questions and help you make the right choice. I copied a simple prayer below that I will say often to remind myself of the path I have chosen.

"Heavenly Father, have mercy on me, a sinner. I believe in you and that your word is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that he died on the cross so that I may now have forgiveness for my sins and eternal life. I know that without you in my heart my life is meaningless.

I believe in my heart that you, God, raised Him from the dead. Please Jesus forgive me, for every sin I have ever committed or done in my heart, please Lord Jesus forgive me and come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior today. I need you to be my Father and my friend.

I give you my life and ask you to take full control from this moment on; I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ."

Amen.

After much prayer, I decided to use this blog as a venting place for ideas that pop into my head that I want to share with others. I will give updates on how my book writing and other projects are coming along, as well as any writing contests I enter. Thanks to all my friends for the encouragement!

               I feel that airing different topics and thoughts will help me understand myself better, as well as get to know others and define my writing style. So, starting tomorrow, I will post on somewhat random topics that I hope you find interesting and thought provoking. Possibly even inspiring….. I wonder what God has in store for me? Please keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you.

I know I am getting better, praise God! Do you know how I know this? The first clue is that I am actually sitting down to write about my pain, feelings of loss, exhaustion and stress. By the grace of God, I know I am not alone. Women I meet and talk to about this are not alone. YOU, my new friends, are not alone. Amen! Of course, names and some details in stories I will use have been changed, but the pain and healing is very real. And God’s amazing hand is in each and every healing. This is very real.

A little about me. I have always wanted to write. I’ve felt a slow simmering urge to write for many years. The urge slowly (and I mean slowly) has now heated to a burning desire. Our amazing God knows me so well. He knew I would flinch and run if He turned up the heat too quickly on my fragile heart. Praise Him that we are never given more than we can handle during a particular season in our lives. My burning desire to write turned into several story starts, abrupt stops, and many tears as I struggled with what to write about. I wanted to write wonderful stories for children, romance novels for women, inspirational stories for my Christian sisters. Murder mysteries for the whodunit fans, poetry to soothe souls. I wanted to write it all! Every time I put pen to paper or pulled out my laptop to type, the stories were hijacked by pain, memories of abuse, overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment not only in myself, but others who had been in my life. I was too discouraged to pray to God to ask for his guidance, even though I knew He would be the only One who could relieve my depression.

Fear of rejection, fear of failure and worse of all, fear of success also stopped me in my tracks. Yes, you read me right, fear of success. That may sound strange, but it is what I have been feeling the past forty years.  Afraid to follow my dreams and desire to weave tales on paper for others to enjoy. Fearful that if I wrote down my thoughts, people would read them and know that I am a miserable depressed person. Fear that people would not like me if they knew I had been sexually assaulted, physically abused and often felt detached from others. Not to mention the multiple failed marriages of my past. 

I covered up my fears by “talking” writing when I should have been “writing” writing. I know, from mingling with other women, that many of us have dreams to draw, paint, write and take beautiful pictures. We want to do something creative and fulfilling. Yet, we hesitate to start because of fear.  Let’s start now.  Together.

Did you find my story because you are seeking a way to let this creativity live outside of your dreams? It’s time, sister, to make our dreams come true. As I began to let go and let God help me with my dreams, I prayed that I may know what I should write about. I know now, that it is this very struggle that I must put down on paper. The very thing I was struggling with is what I need to write about. God does not waste a hurt or a struggle.

As an answer to prayer, God has started bringing wonderful women into my life. Strong and capable women who love the Lord.  Often I cry when I hear about their struggles and pain. I tear up over the suffering, and tears of joy flow as they share the healing that has taken place in their lives.  

          No, sigh, I am not the bestselling author I dream of becoming, but by just putting words down on paper, I am, in fact, a writer. Yes, I am no longer “talking” about writing, I am “writing” about it. This is in God's hands.  In future posts, let's journey together. Please join my new friends and me - let’s become strong together.

As I begin this journey

I am writing this blog with much prayer and encouragement from family and friends. I am starting my public writing journey today with hope that I can encourage women to step out of their comfort zone alongside me and begin doing what they have always dreamed of, whether that be writing, painting, drawing, race car driving, mountain climbing, or whatever amazing thing that is their heart's desire.
I have a couple favors to ask before I begin.  First, please bear with me as this is my timid first step on this journey of becoming a writer. I always appreciate encouragement and advice along the way. Comments are appreciated, but I would like to keep this a place of encouragement and positive emotion. Constructive criticism is OK too, as long as it is given with a good heart. I plan to use this blog as a starting point to complete an encouraging book for women of all ages who are overcoming emotional pain.

I will begin with one of my favorite scriptures:

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

and my prayer:

I pray, Lord, that you are by my side, directing my path as I move forward on this journey. Thank you for the courage to begin.  Whatever Your will be in this, I pray You guide me every step of the way. In my precious Lord Jesus' name, Amen