Something was revealed to me today as I was praying. I am not too proud of it, but confessing it here seems appropriate. I block my daily urge to write and journal by staying busy. I keep busy with work, family and otherwise looking for things to busy myself with. That sounds silly, I know – but I keep myself so frantic that it helps me avoid the one thing that I know my Heavenly Father wants me to do.
Writing helps me discover the real me, the girl/woman I am on the inside. For the most part, although I want healing, I do not want to fully discover the innermost part of me that hurts and is fragile. This is why it has been buried for years. I am afraid of the anger and tears that sometimes comes to the surface, so I stamp it back down and hide it under a never ending list of chores.
God wants me to write about my feelings. I know this like I
know my own name. But do I do it? No, not until it becomes such a burning
desire that I cannot escape it. When I
cannot avoid it any longer, I sit down at my laptop and words come spilling out
all over the page. This is followed by my getting frustrated over making sense
of it. Until I do, I can’t think of
anything else - unless I find something else to keep myself busy. I know this is the wrong way to go about it.
This stalling happened today - I started writing about relationships. Suddenly, right when I was getting to the heart of something sensitive, I found it more important to busy myself with repairing a sprinkler system. Afterward, I felt convicted. I was disobedient, and that led to prayer mentioned above. While praying, I asked for forgiveness and questioned my ability to write. I had a fictional story planned for NaNoWriMo, I have been unable to focus on writing it. I am 3000 words in and at a dead end. I prayed for comfort as I work through these insecurities.
I am glad I responded and prayed. I need to be obedient and write what He is urging me to write, and go to my Lord with the hurt that I uncover. In the process, I may discover the innermost me is not so bad after all.
