I know I am getting better, praise God! Do you know how I know this? The first clue is that I am actually sitting down to write about my pain, feelings of loss, exhaustion and stress. By the grace of God, I know I am not alone. Women I meet and talk to about this are not alone. YOU, my new friends, are not alone. Amen! Of course, names and some details in stories I will use have been changed, but the pain and healing is very real. And God’s amazing hand is in each and every healing. This is very real.

A little about me. I have always wanted to write. I’ve felt a slow simmering urge to write for many years. The urge slowly (and I mean slowly) has now heated to a burning desire. Our amazing God knows me so well. He knew I would flinch and run if He turned up the heat too quickly on my fragile heart. Praise Him that we are never given more than we can handle during a particular season in our lives. My burning desire to write turned into several story starts, abrupt stops, and many tears as I struggled with what to write about. I wanted to write wonderful stories for children, romance novels for women, inspirational stories for my Christian sisters. Murder mysteries for the whodunit fans, poetry to soothe souls. I wanted to write it all! Every time I put pen to paper or pulled out my laptop to type, the stories were hijacked by pain, memories of abuse, overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment not only in myself, but others who had been in my life. I was too discouraged to pray to God to ask for his guidance, even though I knew He would be the only One who could relieve my depression.

Fear of rejection, fear of failure and worse of all, fear of success also stopped me in my tracks. Yes, you read me right, fear of success. That may sound strange, but it is what I have been feeling the past forty years.  Afraid to follow my dreams and desire to weave tales on paper for others to enjoy. Fearful that if I wrote down my thoughts, people would read them and know that I am a miserable depressed person. Fear that people would not like me if they knew I had been sexually assaulted, physically abused and often felt detached from others. Not to mention the multiple failed marriages of my past. 

I covered up my fears by “talking” writing when I should have been “writing” writing. I know, from mingling with other women, that many of us have dreams to draw, paint, write and take beautiful pictures. We want to do something creative and fulfilling. Yet, we hesitate to start because of fear.  Let’s start now.  Together.

Did you find my story because you are seeking a way to let this creativity live outside of your dreams? It’s time, sister, to make our dreams come true. As I began to let go and let God help me with my dreams, I prayed that I may know what I should write about. I know now, that it is this very struggle that I must put down on paper. The very thing I was struggling with is what I need to write about. God does not waste a hurt or a struggle.

As an answer to prayer, God has started bringing wonderful women into my life. Strong and capable women who love the Lord.  Often I cry when I hear about their struggles and pain. I tear up over the suffering, and tears of joy flow as they share the healing that has taken place in their lives.  

          No, sigh, I am not the bestselling author I dream of becoming, but by just putting words down on paper, I am, in fact, a writer. Yes, I am no longer “talking” about writing, I am “writing” about it. This is in God's hands.  In future posts, let's journey together. Please join my new friends and me - let’s become strong together.