Feelings and Emotions

You can feel them, but not touch them. They can be strong enough to cause intense pain, yet not leave a visible mark on you.

This is something that Jesus has been working on in me. Sometimes it is hard for me to express feelings in a way that I feel others will understand. Often, I am afraid to express my feelings because it may hurt someone else’s feelings. When someone else’s hurt or negative feelings show, I feel guilty or responsible. I feel as if I caused that person to feel or act in a hurtful way. Yet, I don’t want to show those feelings either. This is an emotional rollercoaster!  It seems so complicated, yet should be simple.   

A recent experience caused me to think a lot about feelings and emotions.  I had a scheduled doctor’s appointment that was 200 miles away from home. When I arrived, I was notified by the clerk that my appointment had been cancelled by the practitioner, who was on vacation for the week.  He insisted, as a matter of fact, that I had been notified of the cancellation.   

I mentioned above that sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Well, not this time! I had a big girl meltdown, complete with tears, snot, sweat, ragged breathing and stuttering. Right there, in the front office of the medical clinic! In front of a clerk who, at this point looked mortified. My heart was racing and I felt out of control of my emotions for a little while. Pain and hurt surfaced. Then embarrassment set in. I left and did not reschedule the appointment.

I couldn’t figure out what was more disappointing, the day off of work (I work commission only, so this also meant a day with no pay), or that the issue I made the appointment for would not be resolved. Or, was it the smug way the news was delivered? Nope!  Sorry to say, it was none of the above.

Lucky for me, (sarcasm…) I had a three hour drive home to contemplate what happened. All the feelings and emotions that I kept bottled up for months, perhaps years, surfaced, triggered by a single discouraging moment. I was reminded of past mistakes and wrongs going back years. Every personal negative comment I heard and those pesky negative thoughts I have about myself all surfaced at once. I look back now and see how the enemy was at work. This was not the first time for this. I pray it will be the last.

I know God does not want me to keep all that emotional pain and negativity bottled up. And he certainly does not want me to feel the way I felt that day. That is why He has a personal relationship with me, and I with Him. I need to go to Him with my troubles and, and cast my cares on Him. Once I was able to get on the road headed home, I was tearfully reminded of a verse in my bible:

Matthew 6:27 (NIV) -Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I pulled over and prayed for quite a while. I had another cry, a cleansing moment where I felt broken and knew I needed Jesus’ help. I asked Him to help me, and I thanked him for comforting me in my moment of need. I need to do so much better with asking for heavenly guidance with emotional turmoil.  The only way to fully deal with pain and emotional suffering is to bring issues to the feet of Jesus Christ.  We can relieve ourselves of so much worry and internal pain this way. Jesus clearly lets us know we are not gaining anything by stressing and worrying.

This experience opened my eyes. I am far from being perfect, and will always need to acknowledge my emotions. I will do my best to not let things get so out of control. I know that it is not healthy for me to hold negative emotions and stress inside.  I will swell up and burst at the most inopportune moment as so clearly demonstrated above. Instead, I will allow myself to feel the emotions as they occur, and seek guidance through prayer.

I am embarrassed to post this, yet I feel compelled to do exactly that. I am afraid of what people will think of me. It is so easy to get caught up in these negative emotions – so I am posting, and praying. I invite and welcome comments or email.