DAY ONE OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

Here I am, sitting in a hotel room. I am out of town for work, and I have been craving alone time so I can work on my writing.

Yet, I sit here staring at screen with under 10,000 words. I started NaNoWriMo - yet I have not written a word in 4 days. I sit here missing the frustrations, noise, chaos and chores of home. I miss my husband. I need to get to the bottom of my procrastination issue. Therefore, I turned to my dear friend, my blog.  A blog which no one reads. It does feel refreshing to openly let off some steam on here. Behind the keyboard, I find I am able to be sincere and honest. Knowing that I am sending my words out there comforts me somehow.

James 5:17 NIV  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I have finally decided to face old issues that may be behind my emotional ups and downs. It hasn't been decided if I will take my blog along with me on that painfully personal journey. I am seeking counseling in addition to praying and journal writing. Perhaps I will blog an anonymous journal. This will not be easy for me, but I know I am close to being freed from regret because it is written:
John 8:36 NIV  So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

What happened to bring my emotions to the surface and get me sitting down with my blog:
I had a client who was upset and was very hostile toward me. Calling me names, accusing me of things that were not so. It was devastating and I fixated on it for over a day before I realized that he was not angry at me, he is just an angry person. Perhaps he was having other issues, and I became the sounding board for his anger. I took it completely personal and let it hijack my writing, my happiness and it even shook my faith. This is not the first time I've experienced this. I often feel like an emotional punching bag for people, sometimes strangers.

And about my faith, I have not been as diligent with reading my bible or praying. To be honest, I miss my time in the Word and praying to God, thanking Him for saving my life. I witnessed a personal miracle! I live today because of my Savior, Abba Father and I don't even give Him time in my day.

Things have to change.

Therefore, I declare (once again) that TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I must work on getting better physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.

Now back to that novel after a quick prayer of thanksgiving.

Finishing What I've Started....

It is a never ending cycle. I get excited about a project, get all the necessary materials together and start it. Sometimes I get pretty far, sometimes not so much. Then it gets placed in a box, drawer or saved on my computer, and I can not seem to find the motivation to pick it up again. It will be forgotten until we move once more. Then, when decluttering for our standard yearly move, I often end up tossing them into the trash. Another thing I do is start a cleaning or purging project, then life or work happens and it gets pushed to the side. This happens with my writing as well.

I counted and I have 13 story starts - all of which could develop into novels. Every one of them are interesting and unique (I am biased, but I think so.)

I am finally frustrated enough to END this cycle and figure out why I do this. 

I was praying this morning, asking God why I do this. It causes me great stress to know I have not finished something that, at one point in time, was very important for my creative self. I feel that my needs are not as important as those of others.

When praying, the realization came to my mind, (as it has many times before), that I must put my oxygen mask on before I can help another do the same. While praying, I also felt the urge to drink more water - which will help me heal. God is so good to me, giving me answers I need at the moment.

Hang on, let me refill my water glass. God truly does know what is best for me. 

I know I wrote about this before. I only procrastinate and put aside things that are personal to me. I take my day job very seriously and put those tasks and projects in front of everything else. I also put the needs of my family in front of my own when it comes to completing things that are important to only me. I have damaged my health and healing, as I caused myself internal bleeding and various complications that delayed my healing after surgery. I constantly fail to set up boundaries to the point of almost losing my life.  

After praying and drinking more water, I felt the urge to complete a quilt that I started. And guess what? I did! I finished it and am very pleased with the result. During the course of working on the project, I used up a spool of thread. This is a very small thing, but I felt good that I had finished that spool. The empty spool urged me on to finish the entire quilt. It turned out very nice for a first attempt at a split rail pattern with no help. Perhaps I will be brave enough to post a picture. Actually, with no blog followers, I guess it doesn't matter if I post a photo or not. That is beside the point. I am pleased, and I feel God is pleased too.

Are there projects you want or need to finish? Why not work on them as though you were eating an elephant - one bite at a time.

Is there a scrapbook you've started? Perhaps it is a quilt or a crochet project that keeps nagging at you. How about self care like going for a daily walk or journaling? I recommend making a list, and checking these things off as you complete them. This works for me with my work projects - so I know it will work for personal ones. I am making my list now, as I write this.

I recommend praying for guidance, spend time alone with our Savior, Jesus Christ. The prayer closet is where I often find the most peace and I can be open. He loves you and wants what is best for you - so do I.

Psalm 146 NIV

1 Praise the LORD. Praise the LORD, O my soul. 

2 I will praise the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. 

3 Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. 

4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. 

5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God, 

6 the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them-- the LORD, who remains faithful forever. 

7 He upholdsthe cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The LORD sets prisoners free, 

8 the LORD gives sight to the blind, the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down, the LORD loves the righteous. 

9 The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked. 

10 The LORD reigns forever, your God, O Zion, for all generations. Praise the LORD.

Healing Continues (My recovery - and lack of patience!)

I know I stopped writing about my illness and healing. I did this out of frustration. But it is now time to finish the hospital portion of the story and how the grace of God was with me during this trial.

After multiple tests over a two week period, it was discovered that I had a large mass and aneurysm on my portal vein, which was covered by thrombus (blood clot.)  Tests also showed that I have a genetic blood disorder called Factor V Leiden, which causes blood clotting. I was placed on blood thinning medication amongst other things. I had a hard time sitting around my room, so I was allowed to roam the hospital with my handy IV pole - which I decorated.  

Two attempts were made to biopsy the mass, but both rendered nothing. My portal vein was blocked. A large team of doctors were caring for me, and it was decided that I would undergo a Whipple surgery on January 13th. It would begin as exploratory, and advance as necessary. 

I was told by my surgeon that the mass was most likely a sarcoma. The C word scared me, but I kept my faith, even when he told me that it was 99% sure this was the case. There was no other reason for the mass and blood clot. If it was cancer, then I would begin Chemotherapy and go from there. The surgery would most likely damage my pancreas, and I would need to inject insulin for the rest of my life. I began researching the surgery on the internet, and knew that the long term prognosis (5 years) was not good.  

This is where my Savior Jesus comes in. I felt stronger in my faith than ever before. I began reading online devotionals, the chaplain brought me a copy of the New Testament since I did not have my bible with me. I had many loving people praying for me. Most of my nurses were christian as well, and they would visit with me, even coming in on their off days or before/after shifts to see me. Work friends stopped by. I felt strong and ready to face anything.

January 13th finally came. I woke up that morning feeling strong and unafraid. I knew that whatever happened that day, in that operating room, I would not be alone. Either I would survive or I would go into the arms of my Savior. My only sadness was that I would miss everyone here.

I spoke to the doctors prior to surgery and signed all of the necessary paperwork to proceed. I smiled and told my surgeon that I was not ruling out a miracle - and I know he thought I was nuts. I went into surgery, then - after what seemed like 5 minutes to me (7 1/2 hours to everyone else), I woke up looking into my husband's weary and worried eyes. I was being taken into ICU and his first words were, "You made it! You don't have cancer. Your pancreas is fine! You probably won't need insulin!"

I was confused at first, but realized that I did indeed make it through. God had more planned for me here. I am still not sure what these plans are, but I know they will be revealed when I am ready.

I began recovering from surgery - which included multiple procedures. ICU is not a fun place to be. I was moved to the transplant unit for care after 1.5 days. I had several scary moments, complications, transfusions, etc over the next couple weeks. I also battled depression for a few days but my faith and friends helped me stay strong. I will spare you the details on this. 

I was released from the hospital on the evening of January 30th. My 35 day stay was over, I was weak and afraid to be away from the 24 hour care.

This is when the true recovery began.

More to come....

Book: The Single Dad Detour - Author: Tez Brooks & Tez Brooks’ ‘The Single Dad Detour’ $150 Giveaway

THE SINGLE DAD DETOUR - DIRECTIONS FOR FATHERING AFTER DIVORCE by Tez Brooks (2015)

Let me start off by saying that I love a book that gives me a new perspective. This one did exactly that. I am familiar, first hand, with the struggles of a single mother. I had never put much thought into what a single dad goes through when a marriage or relationship falls apart.

Tez Brooks does a fantastic job of creating a guidebook of sorts for men, lessons learned from his own experience as a Christian single dad. The book is written with humor and car references, and his advice is backed by scripture and prayer. It is a easy read,yet full of valuable information on navigating cooking, visitation, holiday traditions, decorating, dating, remarriage and so much more. There is also advice on dealing with a non-Christian ex, and a chapter on blended families which I wish I read years ago.

Each chapter ends with questions to ponder, which Tez calls "Checking your Gauges," relevant scripture and a prayer.

I wish I could hand a copy of this book to every single dad out there. It is an excellent addition to a church library or small group study.

Disclaimer:  I received a copy of this book complementary to review.

Tez Brooks' Day with Dad Giveaway

http://bit.ly/1827ryn

Link to purchase this book on Amazon.com

A New Chance / A New Life

I have finally reached a point where I feel comfortable writing about the last month and a half. I will share a little bit each post.

After a fun day working, I developed a sudden stomach ache. I thought it was food poisoning - yes I did stop at a drive through and scarf down a kraut dog on the road. I was sick overnight, then the pain got worse. The next day, December 23rd, I decided I needed medical help - which would come in the form of the VA emergency room two hours away. I was not able to sit up behind the wheel, so my 17 year old son drove me. Once seen at the VA, I was given blood tests and admitted overnight. IV antibiotics and fluids were shot into my arm and no other tests done. The next day I was released with a diagnosis of Colitis. The only problem was, I felt far worse when I was released than when I got there. I let the nurse know. I was released anyway with no medication and very little advice. Although I was happy to go home for Christmas, I spent the next two days miserable and in pain. I couldn't eat, sleep or stand up straight. I was in constant contact with the VA nurse hotline, to no avail.

The day after Christmas, my upper abdominal pain had reached a point where I could no longer stand it. I was terrified. My husband drove the two hours to the VA hospital again, where thankfully there was a shift change, and a different doctor was taking over. He sent me for a CT scan that showed a large mass on my portal vein. Upon seeing that, the doctor knew my care was out of the spectrum of the VA's ability to care for me.

I was taken by ambulance on another terrifying two hour trip to a hospital that was able to accept me and begin research on how to help. Banner Good Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix, AZ took charge of my care from that point forward. I had a team of doctors researching my condition as I underwent more testing.

Because of the strength of God, I was able to endure this life changing trial.I felt as if Jesus was there with me, comforting me and walking with me. I had no idea how much comfort I would need for the days ahead. 

My Faith

My faith brings me:

Blissful happiness in the midst of sorrow,
Healing grace in the midst of sickness,
Warm comfort in the midst of pain,
strength to overcome obstacles,
Calm reassurance in the midst of chaos and confusion.

And yet my faith is challenged.
It's validity questioned - by those near and far.

My question to those who doubt if what I believe is real and true:

 Does what you believe in do all these things?
Are you able to feel inner joy during times of sadness?
Peace during times of internal war?
Happiness during struggle?

If your answer is no, but you would like to feel this way, it is possible. Jesus Christ has time for you.

If you do not care to accept what I believe as an important part of who I am, please do not attempt to discourage me or attack my beliefs.

I've done much thinking over these past 12 days in the hospital - and have come to this conclusion:

I would rather believe and be comforted, and find out that I was wrong in the end, than live a miserable life of negativity, pain and unbelief to find out I was wrong in the end.

Life is all about choices and I am happy with the choice I've made to follow Jesus and Get Better God's Way!

Moved again and today I played in the snow

I moved to a place of snow and trees, pretty heavenly, if you ask me - considering I've spent the last 20 years in the dry desert!

I played and laughed today, that's something I have not done much of  as an adult. I highly recommend it!

Today it was snowing pretty hard, and I was not able to get out of the house. I was able to work from home a little, then decided to write this afternoon. Yes, I wrote!! I took a break from the screen to get the mail and ended up playing in the snow (even shoveling the driveway was fun) - when I returned to my writing, the words seemed to flow even more.

I mustered up enough bravery to send what I wrote today to a dear friend. That's a first! She liked it! That's encouraging.

I truly am "Getting Better God's Way!"

Onward and upward I keep my eyes on Him!
I'll keep praying and playing (and writing.)

Blessings,
Tammy