Quiet time - Prayer and Time Invested in God's Word

This morning I was awake early and started reading in a devotional I received as a gift some time ago. I had never opened this book, even though it was given to me with a lovely note of encouragement written inside the front cover.  The book is from an insurance client I had in Las Vegas that I barely remember.The note is dated 7/3/2002 - twelve years ago!  The pages are so new and untouched that they stuck together. This book has moved with me countless times, yet I never opened it until now. It is called Seasons of Reflection, The NIV Bible in 365 Daily Readings with Special Helps on Prayer copyright 1994 by International Bible Study. This is the book I am talking about

This person went out of his way, many years ago to encourage me - with no way of knowing that his efforts would result in my encouragement on June 8, 2014. 

This verse is conveniently written on the first page:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

I am beginning a journey today to read the bible each and every morning first thing and write in my journal about how, changing this one thing in my life's list of priorities, is changing me from the inside out. This book stood out to me on my bookshelf, no longer forgotten. How many times have I forgotten to read His Word and spend time alone with God? 

I am a results driven person. I want to see the fruits of my labor right away. I have often given up quickly in important things just because I didn't see a result. That topic alone could be a post all to its own. 

The lesson I learned today: I can not give up on seeking God. I don't know how many devotionals this kind man gave out, or how much time he spent praying over me. All I know is, he did not see immediate results in me - and he did it anyway. I scarcely remember him, except that he was an older, kind gentleman.  

My prayer this morning is one of thanksgiving for this man, and for his faith. My prayer is also for you, kind reader, that you may be encouraged to change this one thing in your life as well. Give to God your first minutes of every day and seek Him throughout the day. He has blessed us with so much.

Blessings,

Tammy

My past does not determine my future. Easier said than believed!

In the very recent past, I had a rough day. That is an understatement, for sure. I even had a public meltdown. Yes, I sure did.
I have spent my life trying to please others. While I am being completely honest, I admit I haven't done a very good job of that either.  I am constantly making excuses for myself. It is exhausting. I am tired of being tired. And right here, I catch myself trying to make excuses again.

On that particular day, in the not so distant past, I had the lovely chore of looking over my work history to create an updated resume. Seeing all of the job hopping, career changes, and mistakes of my life caused a downward emotional spiral that I was unable to control. To top it off, while looking into my past for dates, I was faced with my multiple last name changes. Yes, I have been divorced four times.

Before I knew it, I was in the middle of an important meeting having the aforementioned meltdown. Right smack in front of important people. People who I like and respect, both personally and professionally. People who have a say in my career future.

I was, and still am, embarrassed beyond words. I have had enough of this. I am ready to truly make changes.
 
But, how do I change? How do I accept my past as just that, the past - and move forward to create the bright future I know I can have?

I know, from past experience, how not to change. Despite knowing this, I gave my old ways one more shot today. Wallowing in self pity does not result in change. Crying does not help either. Nor does eating a plate full of sweets. All of these things result in burning red eyes, a blotchy face and an upset stomach. Every time. Oh, and a heavy heart as icing on the cake. I decided to top it all off with a handful of Godiva Chocolate Truffles.

Then, I decided to pray. I was not sure what to pray about, but I knew I needed to get down on my knees.

Shortly after praying, I looked online, and my YouVersion "verse of the day" was this:

Isaiah 40:30 (NIV)
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

No coincidence here. A renewal is exactly what I need. I need God's help in my life. I am striving toward getting better God's way. I may be taking longer than necessary - but today is a big turning point in my life.

I am marking this day down as a red letter day for me. This is the day I decided to hand control completely over to God. Trust in Him and see where He leads me. I am not saying that this will be easy - but  it is surely a step in the right direction.

An Unlikely Messenger

Today’s sermon at church ( on John 20) piqued my interest – and, more importantly, convicted me to open my bible this afternoon and learn more. I have attended church for many years, heard sermons and skimmed the gospels in the past, but it never stood out to me how God used Mary Magdalene to spread the word about the resurrection of Jesus. She was actually the first person to hear the Good News – and from Jesus himself! What a blessing! I will get back to this point in a moment.

I will summarize the story as I understand it.  Mary was the last person at the cross after the crucifixion, and the first to arrive at the tomb of Jesus on the day he rose. She went there very early, while it was still dark, and saw that the stone was rolled away from the opening.  She was distraught, and ran to tell Peter that the stone was moved and their Lord had been taken away.

The story continues with Mary returning to the tomb. She was weeping because she missed Jesus. Jesus appeared to her and comforted her. She responded by calling out to him and clinging to him. I can imagine her relief in seeing Him there alive! He spoke her name and asked her to relay a very important message to the disciples.  Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to Me, for I have not yet ascended to My Father; but go to My brethren and say to them, I am ascending to My Father and your Father, and to My God and your God.”  (John 20:17 – NKJV)

 

John 20 continues with Jesus appearing to the disciples on two separate occasions while they were behind closed doors. I am reminded again of how Mary Magdalene sought out the presence of Jesus - she did not wait in fear behind closed doors!

The story is significant in itself; as it shows the fulfillment of prophesy.  HE IS RISEN! AMEN!  

The part that convicted me though, is how God consistently uses seemingly unlikely people to do amazing things.  

Point #1: Women, in general, were considered insignificant back then.

Point #2:  Mary Magdalene was once demon possessed.  Jesus cast out seven demons from her (Luke 8:2). It is also rumored that she was a former woman of ill repute. Before studying today, I believed this to be true, but I cannot find clarification of that in the scripture.

Point #3:  God uses her in a very significant way - she is the FIRST one to see and speak to the Risen Lord! She is the one who takes the message of the resurrection to the disciples. 

I pray to have a heart like Mary Magdalene. She loved Jesus with all she had. He released her from the grasp of demons. She walked with Him; watched Him as He was crucified; she went to His tomb in the early morning, in the dark. Am I willing to love Jesus like Mary? Am I willing to open the locked door and go seek Him? Step out in faith and serve the way He would have me serve?

I pray that God can use me, a woman and a repentant sinner, in a significant way!  

A little nostalgic

I decided to watch Pretty In Pink on Netflix over the weekend.  That was one of my favorite movies in the late 80's and I was excited to revisit it with my husband. 

My feeling of excitement was short lived.  Although the movie was just as I remembered - the emotions that I felt watching it were not pleasant.  You see, I was "that" girl.  The ugly duckling child wearing second hand clothes who never quite fit in. I smelled bad because my parents smoked in the house and car.  Obviously, my family was not wealthy.  My sarcastic grown up self looks on the bright side - I didn't have to worry about making an ill fitting prom dress out of two different ghastly pink gowns - because I was not invited to the prom.  I wasn't invited to much of anything. 

I had friends who faded away from me as the school years went by.  I just wasn't pretty or cool enough, I suppose.  Many evenings after working at a local restaurant, I cried, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I wondered what I could do differently so that people would like me.  Prom night was especially depressing.  I did find ways to cope with my insecurity.  I found attention where I shouldn't have. I could go into so much more detail here, but will save that for my prayer time and personal journal.

It has been over 20 years since I left my hometown, and openly thought about my high school years. I even avoided my class reunions. Much personal effort has been spent trying to block the memories of the cruel comments either whispered or hurled in my direction, and the personal feelings of inadequacy while growing up.  There are so many ugly things, aside from the feeling of not fitting in with the other students.  I joined the military and left my hometown over 20 years ago.  I never looked back.

After watching the movie, I opened up the dusty window to my past.  I peeked in and realized that there is still a little pain there. Insecurity that rears its ugly head even today.  I have decided to air out those memories and see them for what they are, just memories. Memories that I been carrying around like ugly heavy trash bags for no good reason. No wonder my back hurts some days!  I am going to open those ugly memories up, write about them and let them go.  :-)

Bottom line - after leaving high school and my home town, I made a great life for myself.  I have had one adventure after another.  Some positive, some not so positive. I am a business owner and I have traveled and enjoyed the better things in life. I know what it means to work hard and play hard.  I have been places and experienced things that some would only dream of.  I am in control of my life - and I am deciding to not just lock these memories away, but rather, to open them up and air them out.  I am not alone in my past experiences. I am, in fact, a survivor.

I am not pointing fingers at people who may not even realize they hurt me, I am merely explaining how I feel.  Had I expressed my true feelings during my younger years, I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be today.  Plus, I look at it this way - what good true life material I have for future writing projects! 

God is good to me - all the time.  I am ok.  You are ok.  We are all ok together - regardless of our past.  Regardless of what others may say or do - past, present or future - we are in control of our own destinies!

"A person doesn't fall into sin, they walk into it one step at a time!"

I heard this on the radio when I was between client appointments not too long ago, and it stuck with me.  It is still forefront in my mind a week later. So much so, that I am compelled to write about it here.

 I was in and out of my car that day - flipping through radio stations and catching snippets of various messages.  I didn't hear the name of the pastor giving the message, if I had, I’d certainly reference him.  However, the TRUE author of this message is God.  Isn’t He amazing?!?  He puts a message in front of me right when I need it most.

I was having one of those “poor me” days (read: weeks,) and I was not the most positive person to be around.  This message reminded me that I am in charge of my own personal choices every day. I take each step, whether it is a positive or negative one, MYSELF.  How I choose to act is entirely up to ME!  No person or situation can make me feel a certain way.  I have opportunities every day to choose joy over negativity.  Now, I am not saying that I will always be a joyful person, but I will work toward that goal, and make an effort to find the positive in everything I do.

My negative attitude is sinful. It hurts others. It is not representative of who I really am.

I don’t fall into sin, I walk into it one thought, one excuse, one step at a time!  This the equivalent of an attitude adjustment for me – one a very much needed!

Change.

Through change, we grow.  As we grow, we bring about more change.  It is a beautiful cycle.

I have a dream...

My dream is that I will be able to reach the other side of my journey of healing and extend my hand to other women who are struggling - helping them recover as well.  Many people who know me, have no idea that I am on this journey.

My dream may be lofty, but I know that I am capable of reaching it.  After all, I am better today than I was yesterday.  Tomorrow I will be stronger still.

The long sad days of being a victim are behind me - but that does not mean that the memories of those days are.  I continue to learn, and in my daily journal writing, I am discovering so much about myself.  I know that I am not a victim, I am a survivor. 

Yes, I am a survivor!

Every step I take, is one step closer to knowing myself and reaching my goals.  My journey does not have an end destination, rather, it has many glorious and fulfilling stops along the way.

I am thankful for a wonderful, loving husband and son. I am blessed.