Obedience

Something was revealed to me today as I was praying. I am not too proud of it, but confessing it here seems appropriate. I block my daily urge to write and journal by staying busy. I keep busy with work, family and otherwise looking for things to busy myself with. That sounds silly, I know – but I keep myself so frantic that it helps me avoid the one thing that I know my Heavenly Father wants me to do.

Writing helps me discover the real me, the girl/woman I am on the inside. For the most part, although I want healing, I do not want to fully discover the innermost part of me that hurts and is fragile.  This is why it has been buried for years. I am afraid of the anger and tears that sometimes comes to the surface, so I stamp it back down and hide it under a never ending list of chores.

God wants me to write about my feelings. I know this like I know my own name. But do I do it? No, not until it becomes such a burning desire that I cannot escape it.  When I cannot avoid it any longer, I sit down at my laptop and words come spilling out all over the page. This is followed by my getting frustrated over making sense of it.  Until I do, I can’t think of anything else - unless I find something else to keep myself busy. I know this is the wrong way to go about it.   

This stalling happened today - I started writing about relationships. Suddenly, right when I was getting to the heart of something sensitive, I found it more important to busy myself with repairing a sprinkler system. Afterward, I felt convicted. I was disobedient, and that led to prayer mentioned above. While praying, I asked for forgiveness and questioned my ability to write. I had a fictional story planned for NaNoWriMo, I have been unable to focus on writing it. I am 3000 words in and at a dead end. I prayed for comfort as I work through these insecurities.  

I am glad I responded and prayed. I need to be obedient and write what He is urging me to write, and go to my Lord with the hurt that I uncover. In the process, I may discover the innermost me is not so bad after all. 

 

Moved and Settled!

I take that last part back, I am not completely settled, but I have moved.I now have a home office in which to write! My books are on the shelves, and my craft goodies are in the closet.  Just a few more finishing touches and I will be ready to write....right?  NO! No more procrastination. It seems like there is always something else to do. One more thing to tidy up, paint, unpack. One reason after another that I do not pick up where I left off so many times.
The one thing I desparately want to do is write - yet my heart protects me from failure (or is it success) by keeping me "busy" with other things.

As I sit here on my back porch (silly thing is, I am not using that home office I felt I needed) and I am writing.

 Please pray for me. I will write, I must write. I am writing.

Everyday frustrations aren't so bad, or are they?

Recently, I was feeling kind of blah, having a downright bad day for no particular reason. To top it off,  I had to drive five hours in terrible weather. And, if that wasn't bad enough, a fly got into my car and wouldn't leave. He buzzed around my head, an annoying travel companion. Sigh, I was in a bad mood. I have to admit that it was good that I was alone. I would not have been pleasant company.

I was driving along, scanning the radio stations looking for something lively to boost my spirits.  Perhaps a little rock and roll, some oldies, or even some of that modern stuff my teenager likes to listen too would do the trick. I couldn't get anything except Christian radio stations to tune in. I was frustrated and kept hitting the scan button. I finally settled on a station with an upbeat Christian song playing and started to feel a little better. The song was "My Redeemer Lives." I even started belting out the words. Then, wham, negativity struck again. After that song, the program changed to a pastor giving a message on the life of Job. Do you see where I am going with this? I was upset but did not touch the dial.  I continued listening to the story I have heard many times before. But at that moment, it was like new again.

If you are going through a rough patch, I highly recommend reading the book of Job in your bible. It just may put some things into perspective. It did for me. The rest of my drive was spent in silent reflection of all the good things God has given me. I was focusing on all that had been taken away, not realizing that it was all gifted to me by Him in the first place.

Thank you God for getting my attention back where it needed to be.

Writing update

I am so happy to post that I have been working regularly to put together a rough draft for a novel I outlined last month! It is a story about estranged sisters who have a common bond, a baby. Please keep me in your prayers. I have started so many writing projects, and I have limited time in the day to write. Writing is my passion, and I know that if it is God's will, time will be found to complete this project. I grab at minutes in the day, I have the story on a thumb drive that I keep with me so I can work on it when moments free up. This will be a first for me, as was blogging.

Please pray for me as I continue to reach for my dream of becoming a published author.

Thank you,

Tammyarlene

Everyday miracles

Timing is everything - especially when it is in God's time. I can look at many instances in my past and see His hand. So many times I have worried over things that seemed insurmountable in the moment, and then WHAM, out of the blue a solution appears. This is not a coincidence. This is God at work. Let's start giving Him credit where it is due!  Amen.

Yesterday was a perfect example. I was having a rough day, I was under attack. My day was wrought with negative emotions to include sadness, discouragement, defeat and lethargy. My faith was being tested. I lost an immediate family member the day before to cancer, and last month I lost my father. The enemy was using that fracture in my armor to wreak havoc on me.

I had some down time at my day job and as I do on many occasions, I picked up my iPad to read. The book I was led to read was the Bible. I was desperately seeking encouragement. I prayed quietly. I began reading in Matthew about worry. Within minutes, a wonderful woman walked in. She was practically glowing with her love for the Lord. I knew immediately she was a believer! God did this for me. We shared for a few minutes, exchanged contact information and I was truly blessed. I made a new friend and I was uplifted for the rest of the day. 

This was not a coincidence. This was God working right when I needed Him most. He knows what we are going through and exactly what we need every moment of every day. Now, I am not sure if my new friend knew she was being used by Him to change my outlook, but I sure know she was. Things don't just line up that way.

I've been called "lucky" because I have experienced success at my day job. But, I put it out there that I am not "lucky" nor do I have the "magic bullet," rather, I have Jesus as my Savior.  No magic, no luck, no smoke and mirrors. Just plain ordinary faith. Faith that does get tested at times, but everytime I come out stronger. Praise God!

Have you experienced times like this? I am calling these moments everyday miracles and I'd love to hear about them.

God Bless Everyone!

Why? I often ask this question – not to receive an answer from God, but to express frustration.

  

God has been incredibly good to me. I am not saying that my life has been perfect. I have gone through a few rough patches, and am struggling with one now involving deaths in the family. I find myself asking God the question, “Why? “Why me? Why now?” It is easy for me to forget about the blessings and even easier to direct focus on whatever negativity the evil one slings my way when times get tough. Emotional turmoil is usually the culprit. At this very moment, I have had enough. I am tired of hearing my own whining! Enough is enough! Drama, flee from me! Satan, even death has no sting! I rebuke you. I am ready to seek out the positive things in life. Becoming a Christian does not mean that I will be free of troubles. Emotional and physical pain will exist for us as long as we live on earth.  That is not a bad thing. It doesn’t feel like a good thing either! The tests we endure now prepare us for future prosperity. It is also no coincidence that the struggles I face are magnified when I am not reading my Bible daily and spending time alone with the Lord.

This past weekend my family was traveling.  We were neighborhood, house and office hunting in preparation for our big move next month. We found a church to attend where the pastor experienced a tragedy years back. That situation caused his faith to increase as a result, not decrease. While he shared his story, I realized we are constantly in battle with the things of the world. We will not understand or win every battle; however, we must not lose our faith in the face of grief or pain.  It is important to always act in ways that are uplifting and pleasing as our lives are examples to others. I cannot comprehend why I must experience the troubles as of late, and I pray for knowledge that passes all understanding. I pray that I become stronger in my faith and a better person as a result.

Have I been alone in asking “Why”?  I do not feel like I am alone – but from this point forward, I am going to work on changing my question to, “What lesson can I learn from this?”  I must MAKE time daily for God. Time with the Lord and physical exercise are two things that seem to get pushed off the priority list when work and home life gets chaotic. I desire to be healthy on the inside and outside!  

I always appreciate and welcome prayers, comments and direct emails. I would be happy to pray for you too!

I was reading my bible, and this chapter in Psalm stood out for me today.

Psalm 2 (NIV)

May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! May he send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion! May he remember all your offerings and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices. May he grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the Lord fulfill all your petitions! Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call.

My family recently experienced a passing. No matter how prepared I thought I was for my Dad’s death, it still devastated me. I wanted to write about it immediately, but found myself at a loss for words. I was able to write a letter to him for the funeral. Eventually I plan to pen a memoir for him titled “Dad, I Remember You.”  That project will go on the back burner (with so many others) until I am ready to tackle it. 

My father was ill with dementia for 10+ years, and had been in a full time nursing facility for over 7 of those years. God finally took him home July 23^rd.  I thought about the possibility of his passing after every weekly visit with him. I often wondered why God would keep his body going so strong after his mind failed. I was angry at times over this, knowing that my dad was such a proud man, and would never want his life to turn out that way.  

Looking back, the timing of his passing was a painful, yet important closure for me. I know now that the extra time with him was a precious gift. I was not ready to let him go. I still yearn for one more visit with him. Knowing that he is in a better place and his mind is restored comforts me.

God does keep his promises. When a door closes, another opens. With his passing, I was able to take a transfer and move on and up in my career. This move will also open up time and my mind for creative work, to include writing, woodwork and sewing. God is good.  All the time! All the time, (you can finish the sentence!)

What I’ve learned:  I tend to stress and fuss over details. I want to know what, where, when and why. I also feel the need to know how and have an exact timeline for things. I am slowly and not too happily learning that things don’t happen on my time schedule, and not always the way I would plan them. That part frustrates me to no end!  I do know that when I let the stress of it all go and let God work out the details, everything happens as it should.  I may never understand how this happens, but it does. Am I alone in this?  Please pray for me as I work through the emotions and begin to work daily to let go and let God plant the seeds of my future.

On a lighter note, in between purging my household belongings and packing, I am working on the story I outlined last month.  The personal turmoil I’ve experienced in the past month adds an emotionally creative, real twist to this story. I am very excited about this and other projects I have in the works. With my upcoming move, I will have more time, space and emotional availability to write.

I am taking a step out in faith, focusing on the blessings and not the burdens.  For Jesus did say that worrying would not add any time to our lives. I have a long way to go with this. One thing I know for sure is that one step at a time, I am Getting Better God’s Way!