Why? I often ask this question – not to receive an answer from God, but to express frustration.

  

God has been incredibly good to me. I am not saying that my life has been perfect. I have gone through a few rough patches, and am struggling with one now involving deaths in the family. I find myself asking God the question, “Why? “Why me? Why now?” It is easy for me to forget about the blessings and even easier to direct focus on whatever negativity the evil one slings my way when times get tough. Emotional turmoil is usually the culprit. At this very moment, I have had enough. I am tired of hearing my own whining! Enough is enough! Drama, flee from me! Satan, even death has no sting! I rebuke you. I am ready to seek out the positive things in life. Becoming a Christian does not mean that I will be free of troubles. Emotional and physical pain will exist for us as long as we live on earth.  That is not a bad thing. It doesn’t feel like a good thing either! The tests we endure now prepare us for future prosperity. It is also no coincidence that the struggles I face are magnified when I am not reading my Bible daily and spending time alone with the Lord.

This past weekend my family was traveling.  We were neighborhood, house and office hunting in preparation for our big move next month. We found a church to attend where the pastor experienced a tragedy years back. That situation caused his faith to increase as a result, not decrease. While he shared his story, I realized we are constantly in battle with the things of the world. We will not understand or win every battle; however, we must not lose our faith in the face of grief or pain.  It is important to always act in ways that are uplifting and pleasing as our lives are examples to others. I cannot comprehend why I must experience the troubles as of late, and I pray for knowledge that passes all understanding. I pray that I become stronger in my faith and a better person as a result.

Have I been alone in asking “Why”?  I do not feel like I am alone – but from this point forward, I am going to work on changing my question to, “What lesson can I learn from this?”  I must MAKE time daily for God. Time with the Lord and physical exercise are two things that seem to get pushed off the priority list when work and home life gets chaotic. I desire to be healthy on the inside and outside!  

I always appreciate and welcome prayers, comments and direct emails. I would be happy to pray for you too!

I was reading my bible, and this chapter in Psalm stood out for me today.

Psalm 2 (NIV)

May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob protect you! May he send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion! May he remember all your offerings and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices. May he grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the Lord fulfill all your petitions! Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call.

My family recently experienced a passing. No matter how prepared I thought I was for my Dad’s death, it still devastated me. I wanted to write about it immediately, but found myself at a loss for words. I was able to write a letter to him for the funeral. Eventually I plan to pen a memoir for him titled “Dad, I Remember You.”  That project will go on the back burner (with so many others) until I am ready to tackle it. 

My father was ill with dementia for 10+ years, and had been in a full time nursing facility for over 7 of those years. God finally took him home July 23^rd.  I thought about the possibility of his passing after every weekly visit with him. I often wondered why God would keep his body going so strong after his mind failed. I was angry at times over this, knowing that my dad was such a proud man, and would never want his life to turn out that way.  

Looking back, the timing of his passing was a painful, yet important closure for me. I know now that the extra time with him was a precious gift. I was not ready to let him go. I still yearn for one more visit with him. Knowing that he is in a better place and his mind is restored comforts me.

God does keep his promises. When a door closes, another opens. With his passing, I was able to take a transfer and move on and up in my career. This move will also open up time and my mind for creative work, to include writing, woodwork and sewing. God is good.  All the time! All the time, (you can finish the sentence!)

What I’ve learned:  I tend to stress and fuss over details. I want to know what, where, when and why. I also feel the need to know how and have an exact timeline for things. I am slowly and not too happily learning that things don’t happen on my time schedule, and not always the way I would plan them. That part frustrates me to no end!  I do know that when I let the stress of it all go and let God work out the details, everything happens as it should.  I may never understand how this happens, but it does. Am I alone in this?  Please pray for me as I work through the emotions and begin to work daily to let go and let God plant the seeds of my future.

On a lighter note, in between purging my household belongings and packing, I am working on the story I outlined last month.  The personal turmoil I’ve experienced in the past month adds an emotionally creative, real twist to this story. I am very excited about this and other projects I have in the works. With my upcoming move, I will have more time, space and emotional availability to write.

I am taking a step out in faith, focusing on the blessings and not the burdens.  For Jesus did say that worrying would not add any time to our lives. I have a long way to go with this. One thing I know for sure is that one step at a time, I am Getting Better God’s Way!

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

First, I want to say I love you.  Dad, you loved me through the thick and thin. Through my mistakes and my triumphs. You are and will always be my hero – a perfect example of how a father should be.  I know I made many wrong choices in life, but you never judged me. When I succeeded, you celebrated with me. 

You were an amazing father and an amazing man. I have so many wonderful memories.  If I were to mention them all in this letter, I would run out of paper.

We went to the dump together so many times. That may not sound very exciting to most, but it was my favorite childhood adventure.  I would get to hang out with the coolest guy in the world, my Daddy.  We would load up the trash and then head to the dump. I wasn’t much help, but you would always say I was. When we got to the landfill, you’d holler at me to stay in the truck.   I usually got out and ran around anyway. It was after the dump that was the most fun. We would go to Uncle Pete’s store and I would get my pick of candy (or candies).  I usually chose a Marathon bar which I would grasp in my hand and proceed to smear on my face and get in my hair. You tried your best to clean me up, but the usual resolve was to say “We will get hell when we get home anyway.”  We would our end dump day adventure by heading back home, usually picking up a few aluminum cans along the side of the road and tossing them into the back of the pickup.

You called our candy outings “glue-potting” although I never knew where that term came from. I just loved spending time with you.  I was your Tomato Plant, and you were my Daddy.  I think you called me that because I had red cheeks all the time, but I am not sure.  You called Debbie Dog Bite.  Those were the best nicknames kids could ever ask for.

Being the youngest, I often felt left out when my older sister Debbie got to attend big girl events like dances and slumber parties.  We had a camper on the truck and you would take me down the street to the park and pretend to camp out.  We would split hotdogs in half and fry them in butter.  After eating, we would head home to Mom, who probably enjoyed the break!  Now the truth can be told – my outings with you were far better than any silly school dance or slumber party. 

When I got my driver’s license and Grandpa Turner sold me that big old blue Pontiac, you showed me how to change oil and tires.  You didn’t let me take the car out until you knew I could do these things. You sat in a lawn chair drinking a Diet Pepsi while I changed the oil and rotated the tires.  At the time it seemed like cruel punishment, but now, many years later, I appreciate the lessons I learned that afternoon.  You didn’t want me to have to rely on anyone.

When I wrecked the fender on that Pontiac, I called, you and Mom came right away.  I knew you were upset with me, but after checking to make sure the car would run and make it home, you made me drive it.  I didn’t want to get behind the wheel, but you made me do it. Even though you did not yell at me, I knew I upset you with my carelessness.  When I had the car repaired, you would not let me paint the fender.  I learned so many lessons that way - without a harsh word from you. 

I remember the day I announced I was joining the Marine Corps.  Even stronger is the memory of the day I left for basic training.  I know you were afraid for me, yet your pride kept me strong for those 13 long weeks.  Your pride kept me strong as I served our great country just like my Dad did so many years before me. 

My memories of our good times are strong, even after that awful disease took your memories away. I will always remember.  I held your hand that last day, and in my heart I knew you would remember it all again soon.

Rest in peace, I love and miss you!

Tammy

At a loss...

I am at a loss for words.  On July 23rd, my father passed away. Tomorrow his remains will be buried with military honors and I will close this chapter of my life. The past few weeks have gone by in a blur.

I fear that the love I have for him and the memories I store in my heart will begin to fade.I am grateful for every moment I had with him, yet wish I had more of those moments. He was in so much pain in the end - I know it is a relief that he passed, but the selfish side of me wishes I could just hold his hand one more time. He was a good man, a wonderful man. My sister and I wrote letters to him that I will have buried at the cemetary. Letters filled with love and beautiful memories of our time with an honorable man.

I also fear that he did not accept Jesus before he passed. We prayed for him so much over the past years, but his mental condition was such that I will always wonder about his salvation.

I am at a loss for words. 

Feelings and Emotions

You can feel them, but not touch them. They can be strong enough to cause intense pain, yet not leave a visible mark on you.

This is something that Jesus has been working on in me. Sometimes it is hard for me to express feelings in a way that I feel others will understand. Often, I am afraid to express my feelings because it may hurt someone else’s feelings. When someone else’s hurt or negative feelings show, I feel guilty or responsible. I feel as if I caused that person to feel or act in a hurtful way. Yet, I don’t want to show those feelings either. This is an emotional rollercoaster!  It seems so complicated, yet should be simple.   

A recent experience caused me to think a lot about feelings and emotions.  I had a scheduled doctor’s appointment that was 200 miles away from home. When I arrived, I was notified by the clerk that my appointment had been cancelled by the practitioner, who was on vacation for the week.  He insisted, as a matter of fact, that I had been notified of the cancellation.   

I mentioned above that sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings. Well, not this time! I had a big girl meltdown, complete with tears, snot, sweat, ragged breathing and stuttering. Right there, in the front office of the medical clinic! In front of a clerk who, at this point looked mortified. My heart was racing and I felt out of control of my emotions for a little while. Pain and hurt surfaced. Then embarrassment set in. I left and did not reschedule the appointment.

I couldn’t figure out what was more disappointing, the day off of work (I work commission only, so this also meant a day with no pay), or that the issue I made the appointment for would not be resolved. Or, was it the smug way the news was delivered? Nope!  Sorry to say, it was none of the above.

Lucky for me, (sarcasm…) I had a three hour drive home to contemplate what happened. All the feelings and emotions that I kept bottled up for months, perhaps years, surfaced, triggered by a single discouraging moment. I was reminded of past mistakes and wrongs going back years. Every personal negative comment I heard and those pesky negative thoughts I have about myself all surfaced at once. I look back now and see how the enemy was at work. This was not the first time for this. I pray it will be the last.

I know God does not want me to keep all that emotional pain and negativity bottled up. And he certainly does not want me to feel the way I felt that day. That is why He has a personal relationship with me, and I with Him. I need to go to Him with my troubles and, and cast my cares on Him. Once I was able to get on the road headed home, I was tearfully reminded of a verse in my bible:

Matthew 6:27 (NIV) -Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I pulled over and prayed for quite a while. I had another cry, a cleansing moment where I felt broken and knew I needed Jesus’ help. I asked Him to help me, and I thanked him for comforting me in my moment of need. I need to do so much better with asking for heavenly guidance with emotional turmoil.  The only way to fully deal with pain and emotional suffering is to bring issues to the feet of Jesus Christ.  We can relieve ourselves of so much worry and internal pain this way. Jesus clearly lets us know we are not gaining anything by stressing and worrying.

This experience opened my eyes. I am far from being perfect, and will always need to acknowledge my emotions. I will do my best to not let things get so out of control. I know that it is not healthy for me to hold negative emotions and stress inside.  I will swell up and burst at the most inopportune moment as so clearly demonstrated above. Instead, I will allow myself to feel the emotions as they occur, and seek guidance through prayer.

I am embarrassed to post this, yet I feel compelled to do exactly that. I am afraid of what people will think of me. It is so easy to get caught up in these negative emotions – so I am posting, and praying. I invite and welcome comments or email.

Good Morning!
God brings people into our lives, and causes situations occur that we may not understand.  But He does!  Praise Him! Visiting this past Sunday with a friend from church changed my mindset and, in a lot of ways changed me. I realized, although it may seem unrelated to the lunch and fellowship with our hostess, my heart was molded. The trees and the relaxed atmosphere of the visit calmed me and I was able to focus on what I need to do. I know that God is working, because my heart was at peace, and is still at peace as I move forward with my plans. Today I made the decision to continue my writing, which had come to a recent standstill. I decide today to move forward and not let discouraging thoughts and fear stop me in keeping with His perfect will. 
I have also reevaluated my priorities and goals. I will write more about this in the future. It is my hope and prayer that, if anyone reading this blog is fighting a similar battle with discouragement, they turn to God and He will show them the true path to follow.  Once shown this path, I pray we all stay on it, seeking constant guidance and encouragement to continue moving forward. 

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for all the blessings in my life.  I ask for continued guidance and that You direct my path.  It is my desire to remain in Your will.  Help me to be faithful servant in my writing, that I may help others to lean on You for You  alone know what is best for us.  You are my Saviour and my Provider - in times of rejoicing and in times of need. Thank you for loving me, even when I stray - and for always welcoming me back home no matter the hour.
In Jesus' precious name, Amen.

Hospitality

While at church a couple weeks ago, my family was invited to have lunch at the home of an acquaintance. We had visited with this beautiful woman a few times at church, and she opened her home today and welcomed us, as well as another couple, to a scrumptious lunch. I could tell she had taken a great deal of effort with her preparations.  Her home is in a beautiful mountain setting and she happily gave us a tour of not only her house, relaxing wrap around porch and garden, and perhaps, most notably, she offered a glimpse into the caring person she is. The fellowship was amazing, the atmosphere calming to the spirit.  She stepped out of her comfort zone to invite us over, and showed us a genuine example of hospitality. We were blessed to be there, and I feel blessed now thinking about the experience.

Have you ever felt the urge to step outside of that zone, and invite someone to lunch? To do something kind for an acquaintance or stranger with no expectation of reward? When we neglect these urges, I believe we miss out on blessings. These blessings are gifts that will fuel us to continue on this quest of kindness and generosity. Ignore the desire to do kind and generous things, and eventually the desire may go away. I don’t want to miss out on blessings! I know this seems repetitive, since my last blog was similar, however, I feel I needed to write about this again for my own development. I need to be continually reminded, until it becomes a habit.

Let’s bless someone at the next urging!  I welcome comments if you want to share how acts of kindness have changed you in some way.

Matthew 6:19-20 (NIV)

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

1 Peter 4:8-10 (NIV)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.